Page 48 of The Intimacy of Control

“I don’t know about that…”

“You look happier, Jack. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but you do. I think you and I are similar in a couple of ways, one bein’ that fear of lettin’ go. Lettin’ go of whatever is holding you back.”

“It isn’t the same.”

“No. We ain’t the same. But I see a piece of myself in you, and I know how devastating that piece can be.”

Furrowing my eyebrows, I whispered to him. “I’m supposed to be the wise one here. I’m far older than you.”

“I’ve lived through enough shit for a hundred lifetimes.”

Yeah. I got the feeling that he had. He had a burdening maturity about him that I wouldn’t wish on any other soul. It was the burden of knowing. Understanding. Seeing. Tobi understood a million things I never would. He’d felt pain I knew I’d never feel.

It was unfair. Like what’d happened to me had been.

“Well,” I shifted, swiping my hand over some dirt and dust on the concrete floor. “I’m seeing him later today. As a friend. But, um, I think it’s possible. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that.”

Tobi smiled at me. “I didn’t think I was ready either. I just needed a push.”

That was true, despite me not wanting to admit to it. I wondered what my push would be, if anything. I wondered if I’d ever get to that point where I could let go and give in. Ignore the voice in my head and the water that constantly tried to rush into my lungs.

I think, deep down, I wanted that push. I wanted to be pushed over the edge so I’d have no other option but to be with him. Be with Forrest as more than his fuck buddy.

Not yet, though. Not yet. I wasn’t ready, but one day, I would be, and I had to hope it wouldn’t be too late.

chapter eighteen

I’d woken up to a dozen text messages—some from people I barely knew—wishing me a happy birthday. I had officially turned the big forty, and it was apparently more special than other milestone birthdays.

Instead of replying to each of them down the line, I’d found myself seeking one of them out and replying to that one first.

Forrest

Happy birthday, my gorgeous, wonderful mess of a slut. May I have your address?

I’d barely opened my eyes, and they were already rolling in the back of my head. Forrest had a way of riling me up that no one else had done before.

Thank you. What for?

Forrest

I want to come see you duh. I have surprises in store

The idea of him coming to my house both terrified and excited me. If I let him come over, then I’d be crossing a line I’d made for myself. A boundary I didn’t want to cross in case I started to catch feelings. I thought about it, chewing on the inside of my cheek.

I’d promised myself, hadn’t I? That I wouldn’t get too attached. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Of course, Tobi’s words from the last time we’d talked came to mind. A little push, he’d said.

Rubbing some of the sleep out of my eyes, I sighed. Fuck it.

607 Crosswood dr.

Forrest

Be ready in about thirty, k?

Ready for what?

Forrest