Page 61 of The Intimacy of Control

“He sounds scared, hm?”

I sighed and closed my eyes as she carded her fingers through my hair. “Or he never liked me in the first place.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

I sniffled, shaking my head. “You’re my ma, you’re supposed to say that.” After holding it all in for so long, the first few tears finally broke free since I’d gotten the text. I couldn’t stop them. “I tried so hard. I thought he was the one. I can’t believe how wrong I was.”

Mamá made a tsk sound. “He said he wanted to be with you. Did he not want that before?”

“You said he seemed scared, Forrest.” River nudged me. “You told me it seemed deeper than purely being afraid of commitment.”

I really wished my brother wasn’t here. I never fucking cried around him. I always tried to uphold that big brother image, standing strong no matter what was happening. It felt like it was part of my job in protecting him somehow. Like I needed to protect him from the idea that I could break down, too. If I could break down, that meant I could disappoint him.

But the tears kept coming. I had to suck in a breath as I curled into Mamá more, clutching her arm. “I-I don’t know. I don’t know. It was just sex, and I wanted more. J-Jack didn’t at first. I was determined, and maybe I shouldn’t have been. We kept seeing each other. And then he said h-he wanted me. I thought he wanted me.”

“Shh, shh, shh.” Mamá turned, wrapping her arms around me. River did the same until I was being hugged on all sides. “That sounds like fear to me, mi corazón. Something scared him. You said something happened, hm?”

I tried to wipe the snot under my nose, sniffling to try to gain my composure. “Y-yeah. With his friend. I don’t know if I should say much about it.”

“Whatever happened has scared him. He’s afraid. If you felt like he is the one, then he is the one. He needs time. He will come back.”

“I don’t know about that, Ma. It took us so long to get to where we were. And it was gone like it never happened.”

River shook his head against my back. “He wouldn’t have stuck around if he didn’t like you.”

“He liked the sex.” I winced. “Sorry, Ma.”

“Don’t apologize. I don’t know this man, but I do know you. I know your heart.” She pressed a kiss on the top of my head. “Give him time. Give your heart time. Do you know how you two got your names?”

Of course we did. She’d told us a million times growing up. “Forests and rivers are the most beautiful parts of the earth.”

“And your Papi and I knew you two would be the most beautiful pieces of our lives. Not only that, but forests and rivers have so much life in them. They create life and become homes to so much. You, my sons, are both full of life. Your hearts are beautiful, and your souls will become a beautiful, strong home for someone else’s soul one day.” She pulled away a little, cradling my face. She used her thumbs to swipe my tears from my cheeks. “Your heart is beautiful and big, and your soul is smart. If you think he is the one, then he is. He may need time, but don’t give up, hm?”

She said it easily. Like she truly believed it—and she did. Mamá knew my heart better than anyone else on the planet.

It gave me comfort, but I wasn’t sure if it was enough. I tried to smile, though it was weak and half-hearted. “Can you make some sopa poblano?” My favorite comfort food.

“Of course I can.” She kissed my forehead. “Whatever you need.”

River gripped my shirt. “I’m sorry, Forrest. Let’s give him some time, and then I’ll smash his face in if he doesn’t date you.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little. Leave it to Riv to make me laugh when I didn’t think I could. “Okay. Sounds good, fartwad.”

The annoyed groan he gave me as he stood up made it all worth it. He pulled out his phone, texting on it and pretending like I hadn’t just cried in front of him, which was great because that was embarrassing.

Maybe Jack was scared. I wasn’t sure how to help that, or if I even could. I wanted to. Or maybe I didn’t. I wasn’t sure. I just knew the weight on my chest wasn’t going away, and everything still fucking hurt, but I clung to what Mamá and River had said.

Fuck, I hoped time could help. I couldn’t simply move on if it didn’t. The heartache finally made sense. I’d been in love with Jackson Manning from the moment I’d first walked into his bar, and there had never been another option. He was the one for me. I just didn’t know if I was the one for him.

chapter twenty-one

I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. Knowing that I’d broken things off with Forrest before they could even truly begin. All we had was sex, and some kind of friendship that I wasn’t sure was even a friendship.

That’s what I told myself, anyway.

I took the last drag of my cigarette, throwing it to the ground and stomping on it until there was nothing left but smoke to be carried off in the wind. Driftwood was dead inside. Not a single soul aside from myself and Mav, who was tidying up the makeshift room for him to stay in.

Maybe that was a good sign, though. A lot of the regulars hadn’t shown up. Most of them had talked in circles about quitting a million times before, so maybe they were trying again. I hoped they’d stick to it if so, though I knew that wasn’t likely. It never was.