Page 107 of By the Flames of Her Fury

My fingers played with the edge of my dirty shirt. “You don’t have to apologize. You were right. I can’t change what I did, but I have to live with it.”

“Did you know,” he said as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “that your brother worked closely under Kane Scarven’s charge in the years you were his prisoner?”

My nose twitched. I knew a little bit about what Nox had done, how he’d played both sides and acted like Scarven’s personal lapdog while starting the Ashen Order and rescuing prisoners from beneath his very nose. It had been because of me. Scarven held my imprisonment over Nox’s head like a noose, threatening my safety to keep my brother in line. But it wasn’t something Nox had talked much about in the couple of months I lived in the Keep with him last year.

Kieran took my silence as a nod to keep going. “Scarven forced Nox to harm many people. Nox did what he could to get out of those situations, of course—sneaking his victims to safety, lying to Scarven, crafting cover stories to trick him. But it didn’t always work. You’re not the only one who has blood on your hands because of that man.”

I shuffled in my seat. “I know. But Nox did it to save hundreds of lives.”

“And you did it because you had no choice. But that isn’t my point.” Kieran tilted his head. “Your brother also wanted to bear his past alone. There were many times when he chose not to confide in Tessa or myself, despite us being partners in the rebellion. He’s a stubborn man, but his heart was always in the right place. It took years of building that trust for him to feel comfortable enough to lean on us with his problems, as well.”

I looked back at Odessa, unable to bear the full weight of his stare. “You were good for him,” I managed to say, even though I knew this lecture wasn’t just about Nox.

“He learned that he couldn’t walk this road alone, Vera,” Kieran continued gently. “I believe that’s something we all had to learn, with time. But we never gave up on him. Just as I see you will never give up on Odessa.” Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him gesturing to her. But it was his next words that hit me straight in the stomach.

“And there is a man sitting alone in his chambers who would rather lose his life than give up on you.”

It suddenly hurt to swallow. I cursed the tears that stung the backs of my eyes as I cleared my throat. I wondered if he and Tessa had coordinated their speeches over the last couple of days.

“I’m not my brother,” I said, raking my fingers through my greasy hair. “Nox never hurt any of you. I have. Your Order was good for each other. You gave each other strength in the hard times, right?” I asked, and Kieran nodded hesitantly. I forced out a breath. “This is the only kind of strength I know. The fight, the blood and sweat, the constant moving. This is how I help the people I love. It’s the only way I know how. I don’t know how to give any of you—give Everett—what the rest of you give one another.” I shrugged again, as if that would make my words more casual, not lay my innermost insecurities on display. “I’m not good for him the way you all are. The way you want me to be.”

“Perhaps not,” he said with a curt nod. “Perhaps there are things you’ve done that I would do differently. But it doesn’t matter what I think is best for him; it only matters what he thinks. Just as we allowed Odessa the choice in her own fate instead of making the decision for her. You say you’re not good for him, but who is the one who gets to decide?”

I didn’t have a response. I didn’t know what I could even say that would make sense. My mind had been such a mix of emotions and half-truths and stubborn defiance for as long as I could remember. The way he boiled it down made it seem so simple, but things were never that easy. Just like I couldn’t force this final amulet into existence and save Odessa with a wave of my hand, I couldn’t take down the voices in my head that told me everyone was better off without me.

I hated those voices. I hated the insecurity, the shame, the self-isolation. It turned me into someone I didn’t want to be. I wondered if Nox had ever felt this way, too.

“How did he do it?” I whispered before I could stop myself. Kieran gave me a quizzical look, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. “How did Nox move on? Get over his past?”

“That’s a conversation for you and your brother to have,” he said softly. “But I know that he did not do it alone.”

I twitched my nose, my fingers curling and uncurling in the fabric of my shirt. I looked around the room, anywhere but in Kieran’s steadfast eyes, and my pulse stuttered with anxious jitters. I didn’t like standing still. I always needed to do something, to take action, to⁠—

“Go to him,” Kieran said. “I’ll watch Odessa. He needs you.”

I need him, too.

It was as if his words gave me permission to do what my body had been yearning for all day. I sprung from my chair and pivoted to the door, then paused and glanced back. “Thank you, Kieran.”

“Go,” he said with a nod, his lips lifting into a faint smile.

I darted out of the healing wing, feet carrying me straight to Everett.

51

Vera

FOUR AND A HALF YEARS AGO

My feet carried me straight to the underground tunnel system of Scarven’s massive property, past his guards and the other cells full of nameless prisoners covered in their own sweat and piss. The stench of their blood stung the inside of my nose, until I looked down and realized the smell was coming from me. My hands were coated in the blood of Scarven’s latest victim, one of his guards who had turned traitor and was passing intel to a local group of rebels.

Scarven’s bloodlust still coursed through my veins with the drugs in my system, the echo of his last command beating in my head like a drum.

“Bring me his tongue.”

I marched into Mortep’s laboratory and planted the slimy appendage on the table in the center. Mortep and Scarven both looked up at me.

“That was quick,” Scarven said with an impressed nod. His approval melted into my mind, and I stood before him obediently, awaiting his next command.