Page 124 of By the Flames of Her Fury

“I’m sorry for getting so frustrated,” he said after a moment. “I’m just trying to protect you.”

“I know, Swift.” I smiled softly. “Like how I’m just trying to protect you.”

His expression softened. “Sometimes I’m not sure which of us is more stubborn.”

The room went silent again, and I bit down on my bottom lip. The look he was giving me made it hard to breathe. “You should leave,” I said quietly. “Get some sleep. It’s been a long day.”

“You’re right.” He held my gaze. “But do you want me to leave?”

Tell me to stop. His words from the library had my pulse racing. I could still feel everywhere his lips touched.

I looked at the floor. “It’s not always about what I want, Swift. This isn’t fair, me needing you when I don’t know how much I can give back.” I swallowed. “You should just…go.”

“Vera.” His voice was soft, determined, as he took a step closer. “Do you want me to leave?”

I finally glanced up. His steady eyes pinned me to the floor, no sign of hesitation. “No,” I whispered.

He was close enough now that he could reach out and catch my hand. “Then tell me what you want, sweetheart.”

I closed my eyes. “It’s not fair to you,” I repeated on an exhale.

“Ask me anyway.”

My fingers closed around his. “Stay. Just until I fall asleep.” I opened my eyes again. “The nightmares don’t come when you’re around.”

He merely nodded as I padded to the bathing chambers to change. I splashed cold water on my face and let out a breath. Fates, what was I doing? I still had a long way to go before I could be the person he deserved. But he was here, and he was so frustratingly Everett, selfless and strong and safe, and I needed him.

He had pulled a chair up to my bed and was sitting when I walked back out, one of the books from my armoire already open in his lap. I smiled at the sight. His bedside table back at the Keep was always piled high with books he was in various stages of reading.

I climbed into the bed and pulled the sheets around me, then turned to face him. A fire still burned low in the fireplace, crackles and pops filling the night air. It cast a shadow on Everett’s face that highlighted the scar across his eye.

I didn’t know why he was still here after I had left him, and after all the horrible things I’d said over the past few days. He had said things, too. I knew he was angry. His logical mind wanted an explanation for why I pushed him away, and I couldn’t give him one. But he deserved more from me than a scribbled note left in a cold bed.

“I’m sorry, Swift,” I said softly, tucking one hand under my head.

His eyes flickered to me over his book. “For what?”

“A lot of things.” I swallowed. “For leaving you. For what I said the other day. I’ve said a lot of things, things I—I didn’t really mean.”

He lowered the book. “I did, too. We’ve already talked about⁠—”

“We talked about our fight here at the palace, but not about what I said before,” I rushed out. “On the ship. When I told you I wasn’t happy, when I said what we had wasn’t enough for me to stay. I blamed you, but that wasn’t true. None of it was your fault. I know you and Nox only wanted what was best for me, but it just—it wasn’t what I needed then.”

“I know.” He reached a hand across the sheets, and I instantly took it. “We shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“You didn’t, Everett. You were perfect.” I squeezed his fingers. “It was me. It’s always been me and my…my issues.”

He tilted his head slowly. “I wish you would give yourself more grace.”

I released his hand and turned on my back, facing the ceiling. “But it was my fault. I couldn’t heal. I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be and move on. And I hurt you because of it.” Tears sprang to my eyes, and I blinked them back. “How am I supposed to give myself grace for what I did to you? To my family?”

The chair scraped across the floor, and the bed dipped at my side. I craned my neck over to see him kneeling on the ground, elbows pressed into the mattress as he reached for me.

“Vera,” he started, “I never want to hear you say that again.”

“Say what?”

“That it was your fault.” His nostrils flared. “What you’ve endured is more than anyone should have to bear. Your healing belongs to you, and only you. It was never about what I wanted, or what Nox wanted.”