Page 87 of Honest Boys Don’t Play

Kayla turns to her husband and gives him a small shove. “Why don’t you guys go talk hockey and leave Bertie and me to talk about other things?”

Tanner sighs. “As long as I get a turn with the baby.”

Bertie answers before his wife can. “I promise you can hold the baby before we leave.”

Tanner shrugs and swipes two beers from the fridge. “All right, then. Luke?” He nods his head for me to follow him and I do. We end up outside sitting on the back porch watching the kids play. “How do you feel about being a dad so far?” He offers me one of the beers, but I shake my head.

“I love it.” I can’t stop the smile that forms on my face even if I wanted to. “It’s my favorite thing.”

“More than hockey?”

“Definitely more than hockey.”

“Good.” My eyes widen in surprise at his response and he hastens to explain. “I just mean, hockey isn’t forever, but this”—he gesture at his kids— “is. It’s the most important thing. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve already experienced great things in my career, and I have more achievements I want to cross off my list, but the best thing I’m ever going to do in this world is raise those kids.”

“It’s going to be hard to leave them.” My breath catches before I can get all the words out. “Him and Bertie, I mean.”

“It will be.” I appreciate that he doesn’t sugarcoat it. “After we had Lola, I think I threw up every time I was away from them over night until she was a year old. The guys gave me hell for it, but I hated not being here.”

“Really?” I ask him in surprise.

“Really,” he echoes.

“I … uh … I’m definitely worried about being away triggering my OCD.” I don’t share my diagnosis easily, but something about Tanner makes him feel safe enough to share it with and I think someone on my new team should know.

His eyes widen in surprise. “You have OCD?”

“Yeah, I got diagnosed a while ago.” I rub my hands over my pants. “As long as my day to day stays relatively normal, I’m not as easily triggered, but the pros is a whole new beast, and I know I’m going to be gone a lot. I hate the idea of something happening to one of them and me being gone.” I let out a deep breath, because even just talking about it I can feel the panic rising inside me.

Tanner smacks a hand onto my shoulder. “Just remember, Kayla is here so they won’t be completely alone, and you’re always just a flight away. Coach is big on prioritizing family.”

I nod and try to steer my thoughts in the direction of something else. The last thing I need to do is allow my brain to spiral on a series of what ifs.

Tanner, as if sensing I’m still dwelling, says, “If things get to be too much in your head, you promise to come tell me, right?”

I swallow down the lump in my throat.

“Yeah, I will.”

We hang outside for a little while longer before Tanner says, “Kayla’s had a long enough turn. I want to hold the little guy.”

I follow him inside, and despite his wife’s protests that her turn isn’t over yet, he manages to get ahold of the baby. Bertie laughs and shoots a tired, but happy smile my way. I know she thinks she’s a mess right now—because she keeps saying so—but I think she’s the prettiest I’ve ever seen her. There’s a glow about her and despite what she thinks she’s settling beautifully into motherhood.

“Are you sure we don’t want another one?” Tanner teases Kayla. “I think we can handle it.”

“Don’t even think about it,” she warns with a pointed finger. “We can be the fun auntie and uncle and that’s it.”

He huffs a sigh. “Whatever you say.” He winks at her and I try to hide my smile. I definitely won’t be surprised if they have another down the road.

Tanner hands me the baby despite Kayla’s protests. “Babe, they can’t hang out here all day. We’d drive them insane and you’d never let them hold their own baby.”

Kayla pouts. “Not true.”

Tanner mouths to me, “It is.”

After we’ve said our goodbyes and leave the house, I say to Bertie, “I thought we could go somewhere.”

Wide, panicked eyes meet mine. “Go where?”