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“Not yet,” Bray replies. “Just got told about this piece of land that was up for sale and thought I’d come take a look.”

Kaya smiles. “We’re happy that you did. The plot runs all the way to the ocean in the east, includes this entire lake, and goes back here about three miles. It’s a total of just over twenty-two hundred acres of land.”

I don’t know much about much, but that sounds like a lot. Surely that kind of land around here would be expensive.

“I love that it goes all the way to the ocean,” Bray replies. “And you said you had some planning permits?”

Kaya nods. “That’s right. We’re standing on the footprint of the house that was going to be here.”

That makes sense now. Not a parking lot but foundations of a house.

“You were going to live here?” Bray asks Erick.

“I thought so. Before my wife died. She always wanted to live in the middle of nowhere with views of the water. I thought this was where we’d retire.”

“She died two summers ago,” Kaya says.

“I’m so sorry for your loss,” Bray says.

I can’t speak. He bought this for his wife and she never got to see it. It feels so inexplicably sad. I don’t know these people—I’ve never even met this man’s wife—and all I can think about is that he had a future planned out with her and never got to live it.

Panic rises in my stomach and I don’t know why. I take a deep breath in as I struggle to breathe, panic clawing at my throat. My heart is racing and adrenaline flows through my muscles. I get a sudden urge to run, to take action, to do something. It feels like the future is coming like a tidal wave and I’m not going to be able to escape.

“You okay?” Bray whispers.

I nod, my breathing labored. “Yeah. I’m fine.” I want to call my mum. Maybe I’ll arrange to go home. I could even go this weekend. “When’s the last time you spoke to Mum?”

“I call her every week like clockwork, but maybe I’ll give her a call tonight. Or on the way home from Boston.”

Bray narrows his eyes, and I swallow and manage to pull myself together enough to tell Kaya and Erick how much I like the view over the lake.

Bray asks questions about access and the planning permits. I don’t hear the answers, because my mind is racing.

“I’ll drive up the track across to the north side now. But I’m happy to hike the entire perimeter of the land with you if you want?” Kaya asks.

Bray glances at me, a worried look on his face. I hope I’m not fucking this up for him. “I’m not really wearing the right shoes,” Bray says. “But I’d like to arrange another visit and bring up some of my team. Next week maybe?”

Kaya smiles. “Sure. You both want to hop in with me? Don’t think your rental insurance will cover you to drive offroad where we’re going.”

Bray gets in the front and Erick and I get in the back. I wonder what Bray is looking for. Is it views? I’m not sure why I’m here, or even if I should be. I belong in New York. I should have gone back with Avril.

Avril.

Avril.

Avril.

Just thinking about her is soothing.

The off-roading is bumpy, but it takes my mind off the thoughts running through my head and all the questions I have. My breathing and heart rate settle down to normal and I start to enjoy just staring out of the window. There’s no doubt the land is beautiful. We can’t see it all, but there’s not a person or a building to be seen. Spring is showing in the shimmer of green on the trees and the dashes of color here and there. It’s an escape from the high-octane pace of Manhattan. Is that what Bray wants? An escape?

Is that what I want?

When we’ve finished our tour, we say our goodbyes and get back into the SUV. I wait until we’re through the iron gates before I say anything. “I think I had a panic attack back there.”

“I think you did too,” Bray says. “What’s going on?”

“Everything needs to change.”