Page 85 of Let’s Be Real

Adrian held up a hand before I could say anything else. “That I don’t need to know, Samuel.”

“Then tell me what you want to know. I don’t like when you’re mad at me.”

“When have I ever been mad at you?”

“Never.” I folded my arms around my middle. “That’s why I don’t like it.”

He finally leaned back, but he wasn’t relaxed. His knee was bobbing up and down a mile a minute, and one finger was tapping out a staccato beat on the armrest.

“Why’d you keep it a secret?”

“Because it was supposed to be only physical. I told you the first time, but I really didn’t think you needed to know when it happened again. And then…it kept happening…but I figured it would end sooner rather than later.”

At least, that was how I’d rationalized it to myself. And maybe my excuses would have flown in a different kind of friendship. Ade and I didn’t have secrets. We overshared, if anything. I’d intentionally kept this…thing between Nate and me from him because I hadn’t wanted to hear his opinion on it.

I hadn’t wanted him to tell me to stop.

Adrian was sharp as a tack and didn’t miss anything. “You said ‘supposed to’—does that mean it was more than physical?”

I nodded slowly. “We became friends.”

“Friends with benefits,” he said almost to himself, working it out in his mind. “Why’s it over then? Did he fuck up?”

“Absolutely not. Nate is wonderful in all ways. I can’t imagine him ever fucking up.”

Adrian’s relaxed pose went rigid in an instant. He leaned forward, his gaze assessing. “You’re not saying something. Nate’s wonderful, he’s your friend, and judging by the pile of clothes in that bag, your sleepovers were frequent. Why do you look like you just got back from a funeral?”

“All those things are true, Ade.” I opened my palms in my lap, defeated. “He wants more, and I can’t do that, so we ended things. We’ll be friends. Eventually. For now, I’m going to stay away.”

He blinked hard. “Why can’t you?”

“It’s too messy. I like Nate so much. The last thing I want to do is try to be in a relationship with him and watch it all fall apart. Then things with you and me might never be the same. I won’t feel right about going to family stuff when he’s there, and then what? I’ll lose the only family I have, and my best friend…”

I rambled on when he didn’t say anything. “I know it sounds pessimistic, but I’ve never made it past the six-month mark with a man, and those relationships only lasted because I bent over backward to make them. With Nate, he’s already seen so many ugly, tender sides of me, I couldn’t backtrack to hide them even if I tried.”

“Sammie—”

I knew he was going to say we’d still be friends if things between Nate and me didn’t work out, but he didn’t know that. How could I take that chance? Adrian was the one person I had. My ride or die. If I lost him, if I didn’t always have him to lean on, I’d be alone in this world. Or worse, I’d have to go begging my family for more of the scraps they threw at me when they were feeling generous.

“I can’t, Adrian. Please don’t try to talk me out of this. I’ve thought about it. I promise I have, but I can’t.”

“But you could with Douche? You could with Jalen and Anders and Mikael? Not Nate, who is objectively a good human, a nice man, and—I hate you for making me say this—good in bed, but you could with the long line of douches before him?”

“It’s not that simple,” I argued weakly.

“I think it is.” His jaw rippled as he worked his molars back and forth. “I think it’s really simple, buddy, and I feel like a shithead for never calling you out on your pattern.”

I didn’t want to hear this, but still, I asked, “What pattern?”

“You date men who confirm what you think about yourself. I don’t know how you do it, but you keep finding men who have as much regard for you as your father does. You find guys who treat you like you’re disposable and fold yourself like origami until you’re this pretty little shape they might like. It’s never enough because that’s not who you are, and they’re pieces of shit. But you keep doing it because you know this thing about yourself and need to keep proving it for some reason. If you stopped and found someone who really loved you—you’d have to face the fact that your father never did.”

I felt like I’d been shot. I must have looked like it too, because the next thing I knew, Adrian was beside me, pulling me into his arms. I wasn’t crying. I didn’t know what I was.

“I love you, buddy,” he said, gentle as a rolling cloud on a sunny day. “I’m not gonna be your husband, but I love you always.”

“I love you too,” I whispered.

He rocked us back and forth, soft and breezy. “You’re my platonic missing piece, and I can’t get through life without you. I’m sorry I had to say that mean shit to you. I never want to make you sad, but the fact is, I should have said it a long time ago. You can’t keep this up forever. I can’t sit by and watch you hurt yourself over and over just to justify the way your dad and family have always disregarded you. You deserve good things. You do.”