Page 65 of Your Pace Or Mine

“Do you want to go to my bedroom?” I ask, taking a pause from running my lips along her neck.

“No, here. Take me here.” Ashley’s voice is breathy and almost frantic. She matches my urgency, like the world could fall around us but all that matters is we’re together. She banishes all thoughts of my father and anything else because the world shrinks to her and me and this.

Later, spooning in my bed, she presses her back into me with a sigh. I know she’s not a cuddler—other than the night after the Clint incident, we’ve always fallen asleep on opposite sides of the bed. Tonight, however, she seems to know I need her presence, the same way she clung to me that evening.

I lean into her body, sniffing her hair, and as we both begin to doze off, I think dangerous things in my half-asleep state. Things like she’s so beautiful, she’s the best person I know, and I might love her. By that point, I’m pretty sure her breathing has evened out and she’s already dreaming. I’m not even sure whether I’m dreaming too when I hear my whispered voice utter those words. I fall asleep with Ashley’s name on my lips.

Mr. Six Reel (with transcript)

Mr. Six appears in his usual costume. He smiles but keeps tapping his fingers and looking away briefly.

“Hi everyone! Mr. Six here, and today I want to talk about the morning after.

“Let’s say you’ve had a great night, but now you’re waking up next to someone you met yesterday and there’s the age-old question: What happens next?

“If you’re at someone else’s place, you might worry that you’re imposing. How long do you stay so you’re not wearing out your welcome? If you leave right away, will they think you can’t stand to stick around? Do you impose by using their shower? What if they have roommates? If they’re at your place, you might wonder how to treat them as a guest without giving them the impression they can stay all day.

“In my opinion, clarity is good. Don’t shove someone out the door, but it’s appropriate to say that you had a good time but you have plans later. In terms of entertaining guests, I try to keep an extra set of towels and have groceries in my fridge like fresh fruit and yogurt, so an overnight date can have a quick breakfast if she wants to get going. No need to make someone feel obliged to stay for pancakes.

“And everyone, please, don’t promise anything you’re not going to follow up on. Don’t promise a second date because you’re trying to get this person out of your space. That’s rude.

“So, here’s to great dates and even greater mornings!”

Comments:

Please please please warn overnight guests if you have roommates. There’s nothing worse than discovering this by accident when you’re wearing a towel or worse, nothing at all!

You wouldn’t have to overthink this if you had actual relationships. Just a thought.

Um, Mr. Six, are you okay? You look like you’re going through some stuff. Maybe you need a break from the game or at least some undereye cream.

TWENTY

ASHLEY

The world feels hazy when I wake up in Sebastian’s bed. Did I dream the last evening? Did he really whisper he loved me as we fell asleep? It seems like something that could never be true, but the first thing I see through the lashes of my barely open eyes is him looking at me like I’m the only thing that matters. He’s stroking my hair with a gentleness that melts me from the inside out. I take my time letting him know I’m awake. When he notices my eyes are open, he snatches his hand away, like touching me was a momentary lapse of judgment. I’m left wondering if I hallucinated everything from the past twelve hours.

We don’t have time to hang out this morning since it’s a workday, so while he makes coffee, I shower quickly. I don’t know what I’m expecting, but surely he’s got to say something to address what happened, what he said—not just that he loved me, but everything before that too.

Instead, he gives me a perfunctory hug and says, “Thanks for listening last night, Ash. I know I was in a weird mood. You’re a good friend.”

Right. A good friend. One who was apparently dumb enough to take words spoken when his guard was down at face value. I flash back to that morning so many years ago, when I woke up next to him after his father’s wedding and caught him pulling himself together, putting the mask back on. He was young then, and deeply vulnerable, and I was foolish enough to think his vulnerability meant something more for us. I thought I knew better by now, but here I am again.

I paste a smile on my face like this isn’t confusing as hell, then I leave and walk to the subway, heading uptown. I open an e-book on the train and stare at the screen, reading the same sentence over and over again while I mull over the previous night.

Does he love me, or was that just a temporary surge of emotion? He’s told me a million times that he doesn’t say those words to anyone except his mom and siblings. If I didn’t mishear, it must have been an accident somehow. But who says they love someone by accident?

I get off the train and walk home in a brain fog. I almost go to Laurel’s on the way, but I have no idea if she’s working from home. And anyway, I don’t know what she’ll say if I turn up in the middle of my walk of shame. She warned me not to get my heart involved. I should go home.

Once I’m in my apartment, I try to focus on plowing through a marketing plan that’s due to a client tomorrow. But I’m distracted, stopping mid-sentence to stare at the screen and run through potential dialogue with Sebastian in my head. What happened to the Ashley who was cool and collected? I’m like a teenager pulling the petals off daisies to see if he loves me.

I suppose the real question is whether I love him back. We laugh a lot together and understand each other in a way I’ve rarely experienced with guys I’ve dated. We’ve certainly got sexual chemistry in spades, though that doesn’t mean love; I’ve had hot sex with men whose conversation bored me to tears. How do you even know if you love someone? I hate the idea of never seeing him again, and I sort of miss him when we haven’t seen each other for a while. And even when he’s being annoying, I don’t get tired of him. Oh man, I suspect we’re in very dangerous territory.

I close my eyes and try to think of anything else. Spreadsheets. Market share. Focus on the numbers, Ashley. What’s the point of torturing myself if he’s not ready to go there? I’d be better off focusing on Jared, who fits the profile of what I’ve been looking for and who actually wants a relationship.

Fuck. Jared. I didn’t even think of him when I raced off to Sebastian’s. Should I text him now? We’ve been texting on and off since the dinner party incident, but that flu knocked him out for over a week, so I haven’t seen him since our hike. We aren’t exclusive, but sending a cute message right after leaving another man’s bed seems wrong.

Maybe I’m rushing this and overthinking. I need to touch base with Sebastian again. He was in a hurry this morning, so maybe that’s why he was short. I should tread lightly, but if this is possibly anything, it’s not fair to lead Jared on.