Page 31 of Love Sanctioned

“I thought this was what I wanted, but it ain’t. I think it’s best if you don’t come around anymore. Steer clear of Junior. Just keep your distance and I’ll keep mine.”

I scrunched my face, more confused than hurt at this point. “Are you serious?” I found myself asking, my hand on my chest because it felt like my heart was about to abandon its post.

“I’on wanna string you along when I don’t see this going anywhere.” He said it like it was nothing, like I was nothing to him.

Tears began to cloud my eyes. I refused to let him see me cry. I was hurt most of all, but now I was enraged. How dare he?

“Bitch ass nigga! I told you to leave me alone. To let me go before you damaged me too bad for the next. But you didn’t listen, and now here we are. You have me so fucked up and you don’t even fucking realize it. You played.”

I snatched my purse from the island and my jacket from the chair next to him then rushed toward the door, but I stopped in my tracks.

“When you realize how bad you just fucked up, I promise you I won’t be there. Fuck you, Posydiann!” Then I pushed out of the door with a quickness, needing somewhere to cry alone, somewhere to let the brokenness in my chest seep out because it sure wouldn’t be in front of him.

When I made it to my car I was even more broken to see he hadn’t followed me. I was entirely alone. I pulled away from the curb, tears streaming down my face because I could no longer hold them back.

Fuck, I should have walked away. I shouldn’t have ever allowed myself to see something with him. But I did, I fell in love with a man incapable of loving me back because he didn’t feel worthy of it. For the life of me I couldn’t understand why because he had nothing but love around him.

I called myself driving home, but I drove right past that place, feeling like I needed space from there too.

Before I knew it I was pulling into the family estate, bypassing my father’s home and going to my mother’s.

I parked and sat there, my heart still in my stomach and my chest hollow. What could I say or do? Everything in me felt broken. I’d cried the entire way here, telling myself I’d pull it together when I parked, but how could I? I begged him to leave me be, to leave me alone before anything, but look at me.

More tears fell before I finally got out of the car.

Then I pulled myself to my mother’s front door and used my key to get in. I’d just talked to her earlier, so I knew she was probably watching old movies with my dog. She loved when I left him with her.

When I entered, she was standing in the foyer, BJ at her feet.

“Karsyn, what are you…? Oh my god, what’s wrong?” She rushed me, pulling my body into hers.

I didn’t respond. I was too choked up by the tears I’d told myself I was done with when I got out of the car. She ushered me to the sofa and just held me like only she could at a moment like this.

Heartbreak was the equivalent of being hit by a bus. Everything hurts with the threat of nothing being the same after.

Somehow I convinced my mom I was fine, when I was none of the sort. I just needed space and a place to be, so she walked me to my room and said she was going to put tea on. That left me to my thoughts, to my mental questioning of how I’d get through this, because I had to. Posydiann had done what no man had ever been able to, he’d chipped at a piece of me. A part of me I wasn’t sure if I’d get back.

I sat in the same space for a minute, mentally going back to the look in his eyes and the way he just broke up with me without a real explanation. He broke me and didn’t even say he was sorry. He didn’t chase me nor did he even make sure I made it to my car. This was all my fault. My thoughts were immediately interrupted by feeling like I needed to throw up. I rushed to the bathroom.

“Baby, you gotta stop crying. You know you throw up when you cry too much. Baby, I need you to calm down.” My mother’s voice filled the bathroom before her hand touched my back.

How was I supposed to stop crying when it wouldn’t stop hurting?

EIGHT

Posydiann

Days later…

The first few hours after she left, I felt like I was losing my mind. Every space in my home held a piece of her, and somehow her storming out of that door was ingrained in my brain. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face. I saw the exact moment I not only broke myself, but I broke her too. I got no relief in my dreams because all I saw was her and I was unable to touch her. She was mine and I couldn’t be with her. I couldn’t because I knew how much pain I was about to cause her.

Charles Curr had to die, and I had to be the one to do it, but first I needed to know why. I was never a saint, and I didn’t claim to be one, but the only static I knew of with Curr was his desire to own Watertown. I stood in the way of that. If it was that, then why not put the hit on me? None of this made sense because what the fuck did my uncle have to do with any of this?

I was leaving the kitchen headed to the living room when I heard the front door open. I looked up just as I sat down. My mother stood in the doorway, her expression questioning my stillness.

“Have you eaten?” she asked, closing the door behind herself and continuing in.

I shook my head. “Not hungry,” I replied, staring blankly at the sports recaps on the TV.