Page 55 of Discovering Her Earl

“Do you think it a bad thing?”

“I used to wonder what it might be like to be… normal. It is strange, I always see the other ladies as so perfectly ordinary. I guess I always wanted a life like theirs. A normal life. But I have loved all the adventures I’ve been a part of and the places I have seen.”

“And now?” Julian asked. “Which life would you choose? A staid existence that fits society’s dictates, or the chaos and adventure of a life in foreign lands?”

She didn’t have to think about it.

“I would choose the life I have with Henry and Rose.” She smiled remembering those first days with them. “When I was eleven, I rather viewed their affection for one another with disgust. But now, I know it comes from true adoration. While many society marriages offer one another respect, it is rare to see any hint of passion between them. I would guess it is because there is none rather than they’ve mastered the ability to hide it.”

“And you want passion?” he asked.

What an odd conversation to be having. But it was not surprising. Over the last two months she and Julian had often delved into very personal topics of conversation. There was only so much banal chit chat to be had with a person.

“Who wouldn’t want passion if it was an option?” she asked, knowing she had no such options.

He let out a breath and nodded. “Indeed.” Some sadness clouded his brilliant blue eyes.

Without looking at her, he broke the short silence.

“Do you think one could be happy without passion? If there was no other option.”

She paused to consider the question rather than respond immediately with something vague. It was clear he wanted an honest answer. Something was weighing on him and she found she wanted to help.

“I suppose one could be content in an arrangement with someone they respected. Likewise, a relationship without respect would surely bring misery. But happiness…? I fear true happiness is only to be found as a result of passion.”

“Yes, I think you might be right.”

Normally she would have enjoyed hearing him say she was right. But not in this instance, when he seemed haunted by something that would keep him from finding the happiness he wished for.

*

Julian was still contemplating his grim future as the dishes were taken away.

It was what he deserved for discussing such unpleasant topics with Elaina. Happiness and passion and the concern he would spend his life with neither because of his father’s cruel mandate.

On top of his concerns for his future, he was also slightly anxious about tonight. He had wanted to speak to Elaina on another matter. He’d rather not have their good humor slip on their return trip. He would hate it if she slipped back into her previous dislike of him.

He hated the weakness of wanting to be accepted all these years after he was no longer berated daily for his lack of acceptability, but there it was.

One could hide the damage caused by a storm, but behind the plaster and artwork, the wood continued to rot.

“Are you all right, my lord?” Elaina asked, concern clear in her brown eyes.

He was taken off guard by her question. Had he let down his guard?

“I’m fine. Why do you ask?” he whispered.

“I—never mind.”

That did pique his curiosity. “Please. What were you going to say?”

“I thought I felt you tense.”

“We were not even touching.”

“Which is why I said never mind. I can’t explain it properly. I obviously didn’t feel you tense in a physical manner, yet I…felt it.” Her tone was snappish and he grinned.

She often got irritable when forced to admit she didn’t dislike him as much as she pretended. He rather liked putting her in such a position as often as possible. After all, they were friends.