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I explain how my father was called to the scene of my mother’s car accident and how it destroyed him, ruined our family. She doesn’t speak, but I can hear her whimper, as she runs her hand along my back. The first time our skin makes contact, I flinch, closing my eyes as if my father had just burned me with another cigarette or hit me with his belt.
Sydney hugs me from behind, and I grip her hands in mine, never wanting to let go. This is not the reaction I’ve had from women in the past. They look at me as though I am broken—because I am. Instead of disgust or pity, I get love and affection, the kind of response I had always hoped for and never got in return.
“Will you tell me more?” She asks with her lips pressed against my skin. “Or is this too much for you?”
After rehashing everything from being overweight and insecure as a kid to the beatings my father would give me just for being born, I might as well continue. She deserves to know the rest of my story.
Pressing my palm flat against the tiled wall, I allow the water to run down my back. Every time Sydney slides her hand over one of my tattoos or kisses my skin, it hurts as if I am in physical agony. But as she continues to do this, the pain lessens. I adapt to her touch. I’m not afraid anymore because it’s Sydney. And I trust her. I know she would never do anything to intentionally hurt me.
“The dragonfly,” I say, after a long moment of silence between us, “symbolizes change and the tree means growth. Because of the shift in our family dynamic, I became a lot closer to my older sister. Jenny was the one who encouraged me to lose weight so I could play in the youth hockey league down at the rec center. I had a hard time with the kids at school because of my weight, and Jenny was my only friend for a long time.”
Even over the water, I can hear Sydney crying. She really does love me. I squeeze her hands tighter against my stomach and continue.
“Then, I met Coach Tucker, and my entire life changed. He had given Jenny meal plans to help me eat better. She did her best to make them for us. My father hated everything Jenny cooked for me and threw the plates across the kitchen half the time. He was and still is a miserable piece of shit. He took all of his problems out on us.”
“Do you still talk to him?”
“No. Jenny still feels sorry for him and checks in on him once a month. When I first got drafted, he called me all the time. He tried to apologize for everything he had ever done. I was stupid enough to believe him in the beginning. Turns out, all he wanted from me was money. Between his drinking and gambling, we never had any money.”
“I’m so sorry, Carter. That sounds awful.”
“It was. Jenny had to get a job by the time she was a freshman in high school to make sure we had something to eat. After my dad had lost his job as the sheriff, he worked a bunch of odd jobs in town. But he could never stay sober long enough to keep any of them. Plus, it’s not as if people were dying to hire the town drunk. In a city that small, everyone knows your name. Jenny and I were the laughing stock of the city after our father had fallen from grace.”
She hugs me tighter. “So, hockey was the growth in your life. That’s how you were able to get away from him.”
“Yup. I turned eighteen mid-way through high school, and by the time I had graduated, I was already eligible for the draft.”
“That’s amazing, Carter. Your sister must be so proud of you.”
“You have no idea. Jenny is the reason I have a career. Hell, she’s the reason I’m still alive. Who knows what would have happened to me if I didn’t have Jenny. She’s my light, always has been.”
“The light to your darkness,” she mumbles, recalling the tattoo on my wrist.
I nod. “The dragon means strength. That’s why I got that one. It was to remind myself that I am strong even when I don’t think I have it in me. I had a lot of issues last season with my game being off. I needed some positive reinforcement.”
“How come you have an empty puzzle piece?” Her voice is so soft and quiet I almost have trouble hearing.
“I left that one blank because I haven’t figured out what to put there. But I think I have an idea of what would complete the puzzle.”
I peel her hands from my stomach and turn around the face her. She’s beautiful, naked, and soaking wet. The water splashes off her forehead and streams down her face.
How did I get this lucky? Why did I almost walk away from her for good?
“I’m not sure what should go there yet, but I have an idea of what I might do.”
“After all this sharing, don’t go holding out on me, big guy,” she says, with a smile.
“I really don’t know. When it c
omes to me, you’ll be the first to know. Until then, you’ll just have to wait and see.”
“What about your game? How can you fix it?”
“Luckily, Tyler figured out how it all started. You might not believe me, but I think doing what we just did helped me a little bit. Opening up to you and sharing this part of my life was not easy for me.”
“I know,” she says, softly. “But I’m glad you did. It means the world to me that you trust me with your secrets. I’m falling in love with you, Carter Donovan, and I will love you down to the darkest part of your soul.”
I get a little choked up by her confession, managing to suck down the emotions that consume me. “I think I’m falling for you, too, Princess. I don’t know how you managed to do it, but you melted the ice around my heart or at least chipped away at it piece by piece until you worked your way inside. You’re the first woman I ever felt this way about. I’m still trying to process all of this. I wasn’t even sure I loved you until you told me how you feel about me. All of this is foreign to me. Relationships and love are all new experiences.”
