Page 68 of Shipwrecked

At length, Cillian sighs. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

If I had called Darren out like that, I would have got a wildly different reaction. I note the difference to myself, but move past it. I don’t want to think about Darren. I take the painkillers that Mathieu brings, which hurt to swallow, and I lie back down. I’ve been up half the night, but my body won’t let me sleep. My mind won’t be quiet.

“Tell me about your exes,” I request.

Neither Mathieu nor Cillian speak. I glance at Mathieu, the more open of the two. Mathieu has his lip caught between his teeth and releases it when I turn towards him. “I haven’t ever dated anyone,” he admits.

I can’t help my surprise. “But you’re so experienced?”

Mathieu shifts in place, clearly embarrassed. “I practised with my friend when I was a teenager, and I’ve hooked up regularly since starting college. I’ve had some casual partners, but never a boyfriend. People have asked me out, but I never wanted to go steady. I…erm… I don’t know how to describe this. I could tell that even if I liked them, I would never fall in love with them.”

That was a far greater confession than I’d been expecting, especially if I’m interpreting it right. Mathieu thought I was different from the others he’d met before? That he could see himself loving me, not just liking me? My cheeks grow hot. I’m tempted to revise my earlier “ask me later” for an immediate yes.

“This probably sounds odd,” Mathieu continues, “but I’m very picky. Always have been.” Mathieu reaches over me to nudge Cillian. “Your turn.”

I let Mathieu deflect and turn in Cillian’s direction.

“My girlfriend dumped me last month.”

“You were the one dumped?” I ask, incredulous.

“I can see it,” Mathieu adds.

Cillian fixes Mathieu with an intense look. The kind that would have me going completely still if it found me on the other end, and likely have my shorts getting tight. Mathieu rests his chin on my arm and stares back, grinning.

Cillian moves his attention away from both of us and looks at the top of the lean-to. “She didn’t like the way I get in bed. Or, she got fed up with it. I was staying with her in Dublin, so I’m just after moving back in with Seán. He’s letting me crash at his place until I figure something out.”

“What was she like?” I ask.

“She’s hard-working, driven, smart—very witty, you’d never pull anything over on her—and super proactive about everything. Dishes done the same day, bills cleared immediately… She’s only twenty-six and the HR manager for a string of healthcare clinics in Dublin.” He shrugs. “She’s cool.”

I’m certain that Mathieu and I have the same thought. “You two were one of those perfect power couples.”

Cillian huffs. “I wouldn’t describe myself as perfect, though she’s a near thing. But as time went on, I got frustrated with her drinking on the weekends, and she got frustrated with…me, in bed.”

“She’d drink a lot?”

“No.” There’s a peculiar note in Cillian’s voice. “That’s a me issue. I hate it when people I’m close to are drunk, so her coming home tipsy and wanting attention just did not work.” Cillian huffs again, something self-deprecating in it. “The sex issue was me too.”

Asking what the issue was would be invasive, and I won’t do it.

“What was the sex issue?” Mathieu asks.

Cillian snorts. “I’m sure you can guess.”

I glance at Mathieu. But when Mathieu meets my eyes, he shrugs, clearly not getting it. Cillian sees the exchange.

“Come on,” he says. “I get… Jules, I practically had you through the cabin wall on the yacht. Mathieu, you were in tears.”

“Yes,” Mathieu says. “Because I came so hard. It was good, you know? Do you not know? I didn’t think there was a problem. We communicated. Jules, he was paying attention to you, wasn’t he?”

There was an abundance of attention. The all-consuming kind. I’ve been trying not to think about Cillian’s touch. I’ve been fantasising about him taking hold of me during the night and using me to get off. I’m still miffed he didn’t do it last night after the hand job.

“I don’t have any complaints,” I agree. “Except, I would have liked it if you let me return the favour to Mathieu…and you.”

Cillian stares at me until my face burns. “Don’t say that,” he says in a low voice.

“Say what?”