Page 217 of At First Catch

My face crumples around the edges because I still love him too. So much. Too much maybe.

“I know,” I whisper.

And I think that destroys him more than if I screamed. Then, like the words are physically tearing me apart to say, “But I don’t think love is supposed to feel this lonely.”

The silence afterward feels endless.

Rain lashes against the cottage windows while Nolan stares at me like I physically knocked the air from his lungs.

Part of me wants to take the words back. It’s not that they aren’t true, but hurting him still hurts me too.

Nolan’s eyes are bloodshot with held back tears, and his shoulders are slumped, showing how exhausted he is. Not angry. Just… devastated.

This is a man so terrified of losing everything that he accidentally started losing himself first.

“Hads.”

My name leaves his mouth rough enough to ache. Pleading. But I realize I can’t survive hearing him sound like that much longer without folding completely.

I look away first. Toward the rain-streaked windows. Toward the dark outline of Back Bay beyond them. Anywhere except the man I still love standing in front of me.

Nolan moves closer again, most likely afraid I’ll shatter if he reaches too fast.

The irony nearly destroys me. I know he’s breaking apart too.

“I don’t know how to fix this,” he admits.

For weeks, Nolan kept trying to solve everything instead of simply standing inside the fear with me honestly. And now we’ve finally reached the point where neither of us knows how to pull the relationship back toward safety anymore.

“You can’t fix it tonight,” I whisper.

Rain pounds harder against the roof while tension stretches through the tiny kitchen.

Then Nolan says, “Tell me what you need.”

I press quivering fingers briefly against my lips, trying to steady myself through the emotion crowding my chest. I swallow hard, trying to untangle weeks of hurt into words that don’t feel impossible.

“I need to stop feeling like loving you means losing myself.”

His entire demeanor changes. The words hit him like I’d shoved the air from his lungs. Somewhere beneath all the fear, I think he realizes he’s been asking me to survive his storms while pretending I wasn’t standing in the rain too.

“I need to know that when life gets hard, you’ll reach for me instead of shutting me out.”

My voice trembles.

“I need to feel like we’re carrying this together... because lately, it feels like I’m standing outside your life, knocking.”

“I’m trying to save the marina,” he says.

“No.” Emotion rises sharper now. “You’re trying to control every possible outcome so you never have to feel powerless.”

Nolan stares at me for so long I almost lose my nerve entirely. “You think I’m ruining everything.”

The quietness in his voice nearly breaks me apart.

My feet carry me closer before my mind can even process the action.

“No,” I whisper. “I think you’re hurting yourself trying to carry too much alone.”