Page 78 of No Good Fight

That is somehow worse than him pushing.

“I may need you to help me do it,” I say, the words coming out smaller than I want. “Not speak for me. Not decide. Just sit there so I can find the strength to say everything without crawling out of my own skin.”

His hand tightens around mine for half a second before he eases his grip. “I’ll be there.”

“You have work.”

“I’ll figure it out.”

“Ryder.”

“I’ll figure it out,” he says again, rougher this time. “You need me, I’m there.”

The words hit exactly where I do not want them.

I pull my hand back.

Ryder lets me.

“I can’t keep doing this,” I whisper.

His face changes. “The threats?”

“No.” I fold my hands together in my lap because if I keep touching him, I won’t be able to say it. “You.”

He doesn’t move.

Outside the office, Remy talks quietly with Marcy. Sam walks by the glass wall and immediately turns around when he sees our faces. The copier starts again, because the world has terrible timing.

“I called you first,” I say. “Not Josh. Not my parents. Not Remy. You.”

Ryder’s throat works once.

“And I don’t regret it,” I add, because the pain in his face is too much. “That’s the scary part. I don’t regret it at all. You walked in and I could breathe again, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

“Alex.”

“I don’t know how to need someone this much without being swallowed by it.” My fingers dig into each other in my lap. “I don’t know how to want you and trust you and be angry at you and be scared of how much better I feel when you’re close.”

His radio chirps.

We both freeze.

A dispatcher’s voice breaks through from his shoulder, calling all of the fire department’s units to a multi-vehicle accident on Route 9. Ryder closes his eyes for one brief second, and when he opens them, the fight in his face is awful.

He has to go.

I can see it before he says anything.

“Go,” I tell him.

“No.”

“Ryder.”

“I can call⁠—”

“No.” I stand before he can start making the world bend around me again. My knees feel questionable, but they hold. “You said I need to decide. I’m deciding. Go do your job.”