Page 265 of Manhattan Bossholes

She laughed, the sound light and airy, filling the cab. I delighted in that sound, in being the one to make her laugh. I wanted to do it again, imagining the flush of pink that would spread across her cheekbones.

“Only in the way you were encouraging Jimmy,” she explained. “You don’t actually look like them or anything.”

Well, thank God for that. “I bet they’re proud of everything you’ve accomplished,” I said. “What do they think of you working for Saunders Furniture now?”

Natasha’s smile immediately slipped away. The energy in the cab shifted so quickly it was like being plunged into an ice bath. I’d seen her mood darken before when she was annoyed with me. But this felt different. This Natasha looked…Well, frankly, she seemed sad. “Natasha⁠—”

“Sorry,” she said, cutting me off. She squeezed the wheel with both hands, her knuckles blanching.

“Is everything okay? If I’ve overstepped somehow⁠—”

“You haven’t,” she insisted. “Really. It’s just…I don’t actually know if my parents would be proud.” She shrugged, staring out the windshield. “I mean, I think they would be. But it’s not like I can ask them.”

“What do you mean?”

Her head turned toward me then away just as quickly. “They died several years ago.”

My heart plummeted into my stomach. “God, Natasha.” I ran my hand through my hair awkwardly. How could I bring the conversation back from this? “I’m so…I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “You didn’t know. And it’s been a while. I guess sometimes it still hits me like its brand-new information, which is ridiculous.”

“That’s not ridiculous,” I said, frowning at her. Why would she think that? “That’s grief. And as far as I know, it doesn’t follow any kind of timeline.”

She nodded and gave me a faint smile. “Thanks for saying that. Tonight was different, though. Tonight was filled with good memories, so that’s something.”

“Do you mind if I ask how it happened?”

“It was a house fire,” she said in the tiniest voice I’d ever heard. “Faulty wiring.”

I let out a sigh. “I don’t even know what to say.”

“Most people don’t,” she said. “Not even me. Every time I have to tell someone what happened, it feels like I’ve entered an alternate reality.”

I leaned back in my seat, watching the buildings rise up as we approached the Lincoln Tunnel. To lose one parent would have been devastating enough on its own, but to lose both so suddenly—how did you ever come back from that? I had a terrible relationship with my parents, but some part of me would still be deeply hurt to lose them.

“But it was nice to spend tonight remembering how supportive they were. Exactly like you are with Jimmy. If for some reason I couldn’t make ends meet, I always knew I could go home. That I had that security. But then they were suddenly gone, and by the time I’d settled the estate, pretty much all the money was used up. The house was a total loss too.”

“Did you have insurance?”

She nodded. “But it wasn’t enough to rebuild or anything in this market. I had to sell the property. I ended up with a little money in the bank from that, but there’s no safety net left. I realized then that I was on my own for the first time in my life…and for the rest of my life. That’s a scary thought sometimes.”

My chest constricted. I’d never truly appreciated my position—the safety nets I had all over. Financially, I never had to worry about making ends meet. But more than that, thanks to Nana Dee and the Lost Boys, I’d never had to face anything alone. No matter what happened, I knew I would always have their support. “Natasha, I⁠—”

She shook her head. “It’s fine. Really. You don’t have to try to make me feel better. It was a really shitty thing that happened, but you know…what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or whatever they say.”

“Has it?” I asked quietly. I didn’t know how anyone could possibly come back from that kind of hurt and loss without losing a piece of themselves. Now that I knew, Natasha felt like a completely different person. I had no idea how she carried around this weight every day. Just the thought of losing Nana Dee to her disease was enough to paralyze me with fear sometimes. How Natasha continued moving through life after losing so much was beyond me.

“I guess I’ve learned to be self-reliant,” she said. “Not that there was really a choice. But having to make it on my own…It’s taught me not to depend on anyone.”

I hated the sound of that. “There must be someone you can count on?”

Her lips twisted. “In my experience, they all let you down one way or another. I’ve been hurt plenty of times by people I thought would come through for me. Bosses. Boyfriends. And even though I know they didn’t mean to, my parents stopped being there for me too. There isn’t anyone you can count on to always be there.”

Ooof. “Feels like a lonely way to live.”

“I suppose it is,” she said. “But if you don’t rely on anyone, then you don’t have to worry about anyone breaking your heart. I’ve got some close friends—Stacy closest of all. But I don’t depend on her. I don’t depend on anyone.”

My heart ached for her. Truly. “I can’t even begin to understand what you went through.”