Page 31 of Doubting Hearts

“Hush, Toby. It’s not your fault. Over the last year I noticed my feelings getting more intense. I tried to hide it, to push it down inside, take women out in an effort to forget I cared so much for you.” He smiled sadly. “That’s the beauty of being a bisexual man, I suppose. And I’m thirteen years older than you, and you deserve someone your own age. I wanted to say something when we were alone in your room that night. Then that bloody Alan had to interrupt us, and I lost my opportunity. Perhaps it was for the best.” He kissed my cheek. “You care for Rain a lot, don’t you, Toby? Don’t leave it too long to tell him. Not like I did with you. Be happy, my Toby.”

He’d kissed me again then, slightly harder than before, and turned and walked away. I’d watched him go, my chest tight, the tears pricking in my eyes. Later that evening I’d been quiet, and Rain had wisely let me grieve for the departure of my friend and mentor.

He was slowly learning the art of both patience and empathy. Of course, it hadn’t lasted too long before he was unzipping me to take my cock in his mouth, but I counted myself fortunate he’d restrained himself as far as he had. And I wasn’t going to complain about having his incredible mouth on me.

One evening, in the quietness of the hotel office, Tammy and I sat talking. She’d gotten into the habit of staying longer at work to avoid Neil. I was waiting for Rain to pick me up to go back to his place. He was out with a client somewhere, giving them a quote for a study.

“You were right all along, Toby. I’m going to tell Neil on Saturday that I don’t want to see him anymore,” she said quietly as we drank our coffee. “Lucas said he’d be there with me if I wanted him to, but I thought that would be a bit off. So Rachel said she’d be there with me, because Neil won’t try anything if there are two of us.” Rachel was her best girlfriend.

I nodded. “I guess you wouldn’t want me there adding fuel to the fire,” I joked. “But you know I would if you wanted me to, right?”

She nodded. “I know.” We sipped our drinks in companionable silence.

I looked at her over the rim of my cup. “So things with you and Lucas are going okay? You two have hit it off pretty well.”

Tammy smiled, her face transforming into that of someone on their way to falling in love. I knew what that looked like. I saw it in the mirror every morning and night.

“Yes, we’re doing fine. I just hope Neil doesn’t make things difficult for him.”

I snorted. “I’d like to see him try. Lucas is a big bloke, and Neil won’t stand a chance.”

She giggled. “Yes, Lucas is big.”

I raised an inquiring eyebrow. “How big is he, then?” Her face blushed beet red.

“Toby, stop that! God, you have a one-track mind. We’re not like you and Rain, who go at it like bloody rabbits.”

She sounded a little jealous, and I chuckled. “Can I help it I have an insatiable boyfriend who loves my body? And my mouth and my big—”

Tammy reached over and placed a finger on my lips. “I get the picture. Keep the rest to yourself.”

“There was a time, young lady, when you wanted to know all the sordid details. But now you have your own fantasy, I guess mine aren’t as interesting anymore….”

I ducked as she threw a book at me. It narrowly missed my head. I laughed.

Tammy laid a warm hand on mine. “Anyway, how are things between you and Rain? You two have really become a couple in the last few months. I’m so pleased for you, Toby.”

I sighed. “Yeah. But sometimes I’m not quite sure where we’re going with it all. Sometimes I feel just like his fuck buddy. Then other times he surprises me and does something really thoughtful. I have no idea what the man’s feeling. He’s a man of action—he thinks by screwing me senseless he’s communicating his feelings. It would be nice to hear him say something romantic once in a while.” My tone was wistful.

“Rain isn’t one for emotions, Toby. But you’re wearing him down slowly.” She glanced at me. “You’re in love with him, aren’t you? It’s all over your face.”

I nodded. “I think so. God help me, as the man’s as frustrating as hell. He blows hot and cold. But when he’s blows hot, my God. He’s incredible.”

We grinned at each other.

“Simon called yesterday. Did you speak to him?” Tammy picked at a pink Post-it stuck to the desk with the words “Meat carvery—check menu” written on them. I wasn’t sure what that was all about. It wasn’t one of mine.

“Yes, we had a chat. He seems to have found someone out there—a chap called Luis? He hasn’t said much about him, but I get the idea he quite likes him. I’m glad. He deserves to find a nice bloke. He’s coming back soon for a visit. I’m looking forward to seeing him.”

There was a loud knock on the door. I looked up to see the smiling face of my boyfriend.

“Hey, you two. I knew I’d find you here. You’re like a couple of old women, sitting comparing your stories in front of a fire. Except in your case it’s a couple of PC monitors.”

I scowled at being called an old woman and stood up. He moved over to me, giving me a quick peck on the lips before turning to Tammy and doing the same. He seemed extremely hyped up.

“Are you ready to go?” He motioned eagerly to the doorway, hopping from one foot to another. “After you, Toby. Beauty before brains and all that.”

I looked at him in suspicion. “What’s up with you? You’re like one of those bloody meerkats we were watching on the Discovery Channel the other night.” Rain had introduced me to these little animals from his birthplace, along with a running commentary that had more than once made me want to stuff one down his gullet. Rain could be a real smug know-it-all.