Page 59 of Doubting Hearts

By which I read between the lines to mean he’d got into some gambling debt he couldn’t pay, lost his job, and decided to retreat. In hindsight, that had always been Tommy’s modus operandi. Ignore what he didn’t want to face and then leave the mess behind. He was probably only back to sell the house and take his share.

I nodded as I sipped my beer. “So, what do you plan on doing now you’re back in the UK?”

“Well, I was hoping to stay with you for a while, but that obviously isn’t an option.” He looked at me hopefully. I left my face blank.

He huffed in irritation. “Why can’t I stay here, anyway? And what’s with not being able to stay in that hotel you mentioned? Why is it off limits?”

I took a deep breath. “Because I don’t think my boyfriend would appreciate my ex-lover living here. And he runs the hotel I mentioned, so it just wouldn’t feel right you staying there.”

His eyes widened. “A boyfriend?”

“Yes, a bloody boyfriend,” I said huffily. “What, you thought I’d just curl up in a ball and die because you weren’t there?”

From the look on his face, that was exactly what he’d expected. I felt the real first sense of release that I was getting over Tommy. “Toby and I have been together a few months,” I said quietly. “And I have feelings for him. So, I’m not going to upset him.”

His face cleared. “A few months?” He laughed easily. “God, the way you said that I thought it was serious. A few months means he’s just a fuck buddy. We can get over that, Rainman. Get back to what we had.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so. I think that ship has sailed.”

He shook his head teasingly. “Rain, honey, you never could resist me. Maybe we should test my theory.” He moved closer to me on the couch. His aftershave was a scent I remembered, his nearness definitely bringing back old memories of lust-driven sessions all over the old house. He rubbed my thigh softly. I leaned forward to push his hand off my leg, and he leaned over and kissed me, his mouth grinding into mine hungrily, his hand cupping the back of my head and pulling me into him. My eyes closed. But even as his tongue slid into my mouth and his hand caressed the front of my crotch, all I could see was a pair of deep-green eyes that looked into mine whilst I made love to him on a haystack and licked champagne off his body. Tommy’s mouth was greedy and demanding, tasting of beer. Toby’s mouth was warm and sensuous, with a passion that transcended what I was feeling now. He was tenderness, warmth, and sexiness, whereas Tommy now was just—a physical kiss. He was no longer what I wanted. I felt a deep sense of relief at the realization.

I managed to extricate my tongue from Tommy’s, pulling away, opening my eyes, only to look straight into the pair of deep-green eyes I’d just been thinking about. Toby stood in the doorway, his face white and his eyes blazing with anger. I leaped up from the couch, moving toward him, and he raised a hand.

“Don’t, Rain.” His voice was a whisper. I could hear the pain in it. “Don’t touch me.”

“Toby, please, babe, listen to me.” I made a move toward him as Tommy stood up from the couch and walked over to me.

“Rain, is this the fuck buddy?” His voice was sultry, teasing.

Toby’s face tensed at his words. He swallowed as he looked across at Tommy, then at me. I couldn’t bear the beaten expression in my boyfriend’s eyes. Tommy smiled at him lazily, and I wanted to fucking kill him. I turned in a rage to flat-hand Tommy’s chest, and he staggered back, a look of complete surprise on his face.

“Don’t you fucking call him that, you bastard. He’s nobody’s fuck buddy.” I turned back to the door to see it empty. I left Tommy standing there and hurried out the door. Toby was moving quickly down the gravel drive, heading toward the road. He had his mobile in his hand, and I guessed he was calling for a taxi. This was the second time in our relationship he’d felt the need to leave my home in a hurry.

“Toby, wait. Please wait.” I caught up with him, and he shoved me fiercely, such a look of sheer pain on his face that it took my breath away. We stood, facing each other down as the breeze blew dust whorls around on the ground.

“I suppose that’s the ex-boyfriend, then?” he snarled. “Come back to claim his property? Were the two of you having a cozy chat about how I’d filled in the time as your sweet piece of arse while he’d been gone?”

“Toby, that’s not what happened.” I reached out, clasping his arm, and he gripped my hand, shoving it away. I sensed the suppressed violence in his body, saw the ugly look in his eyes, and I realized that he’d not been kidding when he’d said he had a temper. “Tommy called and asked if we could get together. I wanted to see how I still felt about him. I wanted to make sure I was over him because I had you.”

He sneered. “And the best way to do that was to shove your tongue down his throat and let him stick his hands on your cock? Oh yes, I can see how that means you’re over him. All over him, more likely.” His eyes were blazing with fury. “And the fact that he had a suitcase all ready to move in with you meant nothing too?”

I groaned, remembering the bloody troublemaking suitcase. “I’d already told him he wasn’t staying with me. He assumed too much—”

“Yes, he assumed you were still hot for him, and from what I saw, he wasn’t wrong.” Toby passed a hand over his eyes and then looked at me. I couldn’t bear the look in his eyes, like a beaten animal waiting for the end to come. “Fuck off back to him, Rain, and leave me alone. I mean it. Just leave me the hell alone. Please.” The last word was a plea that tore at my heart.

He walked away from me, and I watched him go in despair. He was talking on his mobile as his long legs took strides away from me, out of my life. My chest was numb. What the hell had he been doing here, anyway? He was supposed to have been with Simon.

I walked back to the house. I’d try and call him later, see if he’d cooled down. I had a feeling that wouldn’t be anytime soon, but I had to try. Tommy regarded me warily as I came back into the cottage, totally ignoring him as I picked up the landline. I rang a local taxi firm.

“Vernon? Rain here. Can you send a taxi to my place, please, as soon as you can? Just for one person. I have no fucking idea where they want to go. I don’t care. I just want them out of my place.” Tommy looked at me in amazement.

Verne cackled. “Jeez, Rain. You sound thoroughly pissed off, mate. It isn’t Toby you’re mad with, is it? ’Cause that would be a shame. The two of you are such a lovely couple.”

I closed my eyes in despair. “No. It’s not Toby. It’s some dipshit that needs to get the hell out of my sight before I do something stupid.”

Vernon chuckled. “All right, mate. I’ll send a car down as soon as I can. Don’t want you arrested for anything criminal now, do we?”

“Thanks, Verne.” I put the phone down and looked at Tommy. “You bloody fuckwit. That comment about the fuck buddy was so totally out of line.”

He bit his lip, something that used to drive me crazy, as I thought it was cute, but which now just made me want to punch it. “Hell, Rain, I didn’t know the guy was going to throw a hissy fit. It was just a bloody kiss, for God’s sake.”

I closed my eyes again, feeling drained. “It wasn’t just a kiss. It was more than that,” I said quietly. “Where Toby’s come from, he has a hard time trusting people. He doesn’t give himself easily. And I just fucked it all up.” My voice caught, and Tommy stared at me strangely.

“My God,” he said wondrously. “You’re in love with the guy, aren’t you?” I had no intention of talking about what I felt for Toby with Tommy, so I kept quiet.

Tommy rambled on. “Rain, I missed you. I know I was a bloody idiot to leave you, but it was what I needed at the time. Now I need you. I was really hoping we could get back together. Maybe you could come to Monte Carlo with me?”

I shook my head tiredly. “There is no ‘we.’ Not anymore. And you can’t just do what you want because it’s what you ‘need’ either. Other people have needs too. I needed you then.” I ran a hand through my hair. “When you left, I was going to ask you to get married. I’d bought the rings and was ready to pop the question.” Tommy’s face was a picture of disbelief. “Then you came in one night and said you needed space, and you fucked off to Monte Carlo. That hurt. It’s why I came down here to Stamford, to get away from it all.”

“Rain, I had no idea you wanted me to marry you.” Tommy moved over toward me.

I shook my head. “Just stay away, Tom. I’d like you to wait outside, actually. The taxi shouldn’t be long. Remember to get your suitcase packed in as well.”

He stared at me, then shrugged again and picked up his bag. He moved toward the door and then turned. His face was angry. “I’ll be in touch, then, about selling the house. I need the money. Don’t fuck with me on this one, Rain. I don’t want things to get nasty. But I will if that’s what it takes.”

Then he turned and disappeared. I knew then at his words that whatever we’d had was irrevocably over. I shut the door behind him, sinking down against it as I sat on the floor, my elbows on my knees. I wanted to scream, but I didn’t want to give Tommy the satisfaction of hearing how upset I was.

“God, Toby, please give us a second chance,” I whispered as I sat on the cold stone floor. “I love you.” I thought sadly that, now it seemed to be over, I could say the words I’d struggled to say before. I had to fix this before it was too late.