Page 117 of Almost Ours

It sounds nothing like rejection; except he is rejecting me and has been every time I try to talk about whatever this is. “I don’t know what I’m meant to do with that, Josh. Do you want me to, like, wait around for you?”

“No. Christ no, that’s the last thing I want.”

“So… you’re okay if I date other people?”

Josh’s jaw tightens. “No.”

“No?”

“No, Ruby. I wouldn’t be okay with it.”

“Right.” I laugh. I feel insane. “So you don’t want me to wait for you, but you also don’t want me to be with somebody else?”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t be.”

“Don’t use fucking semantics on me.”

Josh gets to his feet and presses both palms into his eyes for a second before dropping them, turning away from me as he starts pacing around the tiny bit of carpet not currently covered in counters. “What do you want from me here, Ruby? You want me to sit down and tell you I’d be thrilled watching you go out with some other guy? Fine. Yeah. Brilliant. Can’t wait. Have at it.”

I narrow my eyes in warning. “Don’t be a dick.”

“I’m not being a dick.”

“You are.”

“Why? Because I don’t want to picture you with someone else?”

“Why do you do that?” I get to my feet too, feeling more than ever that I want to poke and prod until he gives me what I want. “Do you need me to confess how I feel in order to make you feel safe? Is that what this is?”

“Don’t fucking start confessing shit to me.”

“Why? Because then you’d have to own up to your own feelings?”

“I’ve owned up to them!” He turns back towards me so quickly I nearly take a step away. “I’ve literally just told you I think about you all the time. I’ve told you I want you. I’ve told you I’d fucking hate watching you with someone else. What more do you want me to say?”

“I just want the fucking truth for once!”

“I’ve given you the truth.” His voice rises with mine, irritation written all over his face. “That’s what you keep refusing to understand. I know how I feel when you’re here. I know I miss you when you’re not. I know I want to kiss you half the fucking time and the other half I’m trying not to think about wanting to kiss you, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with any of that.”

My heart gives one painful thump, but I’m too wound up to let myself enjoy the fact he’s finally said it. “You could stop fighting it.”

“And then what?”

“And then we could be together.”

“Except I don’t want that.”

“Oh!” I let out a frustrated scream. “You’re a bloody relationship dodger!”

“How can I be a relationship dodger when I was with Bonnie for four fucking years!”

The words slam into me so hard I forget what I was about to say.

Four years.

He was with her for four years.

He can do long-term. He can stay. He can wake up every day and choose somebody over and over again for years, and I’m the stupid idiot who let herself believe the problem was that Josh simply couldn’t do relationships at all. But that isn’t true. He just doesn’t want one with me.