Page 130 of Redline Baby

His arms tighten around Duffy.

“Like with Charles.”

He says it quickly, as though speed will make it hurt less.

“He used to just be gone sometimes. No warning. I’d wake up and the other side of the bed would be cold, and I never knew if that meant an hour or a week. I used to lie there doing math on how long it had been, like counting was going to fix anything.”

His eyes drop.

“And I know this wasn’t the same. I know you had an actual reason. Rue was actually sick. You weren’t just fucking off somewhere because you were mad at me.”

His breath catches.

“I know that. I do. But knowing it doesn’t make my chest stop doing the thing.”

“It isn’t insane,” I say. His eyes lift. “You went through something real. Your body doesn’t know the difference between then and now just because your head does.”

His eyes are wet now.

“That isn’t a flaw in you. That’s what fear does. It doesn’t check the calendar first.”

A tear slips free.

Then another.

“I texted you like four times,” he says. “I know you were dealing with Rue, and I’m not mad about that specifically. I just sat here doing the thing where I tried to figure out how long was too long before I was allowed to actually worry.”

His mouth trembles.

“And I never landed on a number. So I just kept not-worrying until I couldn’t anymore.”

I sit beside him. I don’t defend myself. I open one arm. Kit comes into it immediately. No sound. No hesitation.

His body folds against my side, face burying itself against my chest. My jacket is still cold from the morning air, and then his arms are around my ribs, gripping hard enough that I understand what he’s doing.

My hand finds the back of his head, fingers settling into his hair. His breathing is ragged at first. Then slower. His heartbeat against me is fast, then gradually less so.

“I’m here.”

I say it into his hair.

“I’m sorry.”

He grips me tighter.

“I should have woken you properly. I should’ve made sure you opened your eyes and actually understood what I was saying instead of mumbling it at you while you were half asleep.”

His shoulders shake once.

“That part is on me.”

“You don’t have to apologize for Rue being sick.”

“I’m not apologizing for Rue being sick.”

I ease back just enough to look down at him.

“I had to leave.”