Page 88 of Battle Scars

Eli, on the other hand, follows me into the hotel room and shuts the door behind us, effectively closing Bobby out. We’re both awkwardly slapped in the face with the rumpled sheets on the bed and the smell of sex that lingers in the room.

My face heats instantly. I hate that he knows I do it again and again. That I’m weak and let Gabe walk all over me.

“Do you know what you’re fucking doing with this guy?” Eli snaps.

I want to scream No!

I want to shout, but I don’t.

I fucking can’t, because that’s all anyone ever asks me—if I know what I’m doing with some man in my life and honestly, no. I don’t know what I’m doing. It all just fucks me over in the end and my life is spiraling into something Hugo shat out after counter surfing one too many times.

“Moving on?” I ask sarcastically.

“Don’t be glib,” he retorts. “This is me you’re talking to.”

“And?”

“What the fuck, Addie? What are you doing? Running scared? I never pegged you for a coward.”

“Well, I guess today’s the day we can all be wrong about our instincts,” I snap back.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means I’m fucking weak, Eli,” I reply and let it all hang out—my anguish, my heartbreak, my stupidity. “I can’t say no to him. Over and over, I let him come back.”

“Addie—”

“And he does. Oh boy, does he,” I add. “Everyone kept saying he was going to hurt me, and I knew it, too, but they said he’d be worth it. Don’t give up on him. And I hoped. I fucking hoped, when I shouldn’t have, because I knew. I fucking knew!”

“Honey—” he says, and now that I know he knows everything, it fucking guts me and mortifies me all the same. I’m such a fucking loser and now everyone knows it.

“So what did I do?” I ask no one in particular. “I let him in again, and I lost my mind to the orgasms⁠—”

“That might be more than I need to know about my boss—” he starts, but I’m on a roll. He might as well know it all because I’m done, with all of it, and there’s no going back now.

“I lost my head to the orgasms and told him I love him.”

“Oh fuck.”

“Oh fuck is right,” I reply with a nod. “You want to know why?”

“No, but I’m going to ask anyway, because it feels like it’s important here,” he says. “So why do you think it’s an ‘oh fuck’ moment?”

“I know it’s an ‘oh fuck’ moment, because when I accidentally told Gabe that I love him, he told me I made a mess of things and he’d deal with it when he gets back. So he left to clear his head, and I have no intention of being here when he graces me with a return.”

“Maybe that’s not so bad,” he suggests. “If he was going to scrape you off, don’t you think he’d have done it by now?”

“That’s kind of a harsh turn of phrase for the moment, don’t you think?” I snap.

“It’s not wrong either though, is it?” he snaps right back.

“It is, Eli. You know it is,” I tell him. “I have to go.”

“I’ll give you that it’s bad, but I’ll take you out. You don’t need to go with that jackass,” he says, waving his hand in the direction of the door.

“That jackass is my childhood friend,” I remind him gently. “The only friend my life has let me have time for.”

“There is so much there to unpack, but I’ll do my best. He also wants you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen,” Eli reminds me.