Page 133 of Meant for Mayhem

“No.” I sniffed. “Not really.”

She leaned down and kissed my temple again. “How could he not love you when there’s so much about you to love? You’re loyal to a fault, stubborn as hell, and you protect the people you care about like it’s a blood sport. You’re also a complete pain in the ass, but then again, maybe you got that from me too.”

A real laugh slipped out of me this time, shaky but genuine. The pressure in my chest eased enough that I could breathe. “Do you really think I should tell him?”

“I think you already know the answer.” Lori smiled a soft, knowing smile. “You’re just waiting for permission to hope.”

I leaned into her side, the last of the fear quieting. For the first time all day, the idea of reaching for more didn’t feel like a setup for heartbreak. It felt possible.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“Anytime, sweet girl. Now go find that husband of yours before I get out of this bed and do it for⁠—”

A piercing scream cut through the house—high, terrified, and unmistakably Leena's.

I was off the bed and out the door before the sound even finished echoing.

28

I carried Leena upstairs while everyone else settled in to watch Christmas Vacation, the portable crib already set up in the corner of Beckett’s old room. She was past tired and straight into that restless, overstimulated phase I knew was about to be bad.

“Almost bedtime,” I murmured, changing her into pajamas. “Just a little longer and then sleep.”

She answered with a long, high whine and held her arms up again the second I zipped up her pajamas.

“I know.” I kissed the top of her head and set her in the crib. “Lie down for me. I’m right here.”

She immediately stood back up, gripping the rail and bouncing on her toes, face crumpling. “Dada. Dada. Dada.”

Each time she said my name, it was more heart-wrenching than the last. I glanced at the closed bedroom door for the tenth time in as many minutes, waiting for Shannon’s silhouette to appear. But still, she didn’t.

“Okay. One more minute.” I lifted Leena out, letting her bury her face in my neck while I walked a slow circle around the room. Her little body was warm and heavy against me, the way it always got when she was fighting sleep. I rubbed her back and kept my voice soft even though everything inside me felt wrong.

Shannon’s distance today.

The house that had somehow made things worse instead of better.

The analysts on television treating my name like a bargaining chip.

The reminder that I still wasn’t good enough for anyone.

None of it would settle.

I tried lowering Leena into the crib again, keeping one hand on her stomach. “Shh. Lie down. I’m right here.”

The second I straightened, she pushed herself up and reached for me, lower lip trembling harder now. I dragged both hands through my hair and stood there, watching the door like it might magically produce the one person I needed.

Not good enough for the team.

Not good enough for Shannon to talk to me.

Not even good enough to get my own daughter to sleep without falling apart.

I was so far down this spiral that I didn’t register the soft scramble of fabric behind me until the sickening thud hit the floor.

I spun.

Leena was on the ground, one arm bent funny after she’d climbed out of the crib and fell. Her face was frozen in a silent scream—eyes wide, mouth open, no sound yet.