Page 143 of Taking Turns

“I think the crying made it more effective. Because it was you showing him how badly you were hurting.”

“True,” I concede.

“And you needed to live that final sexual fantasy that you said, and I quote, ‘makes me feel dirty.’ Do you think it was dirty, Chella?”

“No,” I say, lifting my head to look her in the eyes. “I don’t. Not at all. It was… nice.”

“Do you want to do it again?”

I shake my head. “No. It’s not dirty, but it’s very confusing.”

She smiles at me. “I would agree. You know, I had a meeting with Bric the other day to tell him Clark and I were withdrawing our membership. We’re ready to move on as well. In fact, we’re leaving for Europe next month. We’re going to spend six months just traveling and having fun.”

“You bitch,” I say. “What will I do without you?” I laugh, but I’m really not kidding. She’s been my rock for seven years.

Lucinda just smiles at me. “You’re done, Chella. You set out to heal yourself and now you’ve done that.”

“But that was a catastrophe, Lucinda. It was a disaster. In public, for fuck’s sake.”

“Do you think these things end with a whimper?”

“But my longing?” I say. “It’s still there!”

She laughs at me. “Who do you long for?”

“Who? It’s the dirty sex I long for. You know this. I’ve been coming here all these years trying to get rid of it. But these guys… these guys just made me like it more. I might not want to do it with all three of them, but I definitely don’t see myself in the missionary position the rest of my life.”

She laughs again. “Your longing is normal. And completely under control, Chella. I think if you had confronted your father first, your experience would’ve ended the way you envisioned. You walking out satisfied and happy. But the two got mixed. The end result, however, is still positive. You went looking for your final answers and you got them. Now it’s time to settle down, think about it for a little bit. And make a decision.”

“What decision?” I ask.

“Do you love Smith Baldwin? Or were all those conversations we had about him over the past month just some silly crush?”

I just stare at her.

“Don’t worry.” She smiles. “I’m not the one who needs to hear that answer. Take your time and think about it. Then… go find him. Give him that present you promised.”

“He’s gonna think I’m insane and stupid.”

“He’s going to laugh,” she says, smiling. “And give you a great big hug. Now let me bring Bric in. He’s out of his mind with worry.”

I stand up as she goes to the door. She doesn’t invite him in immediately, but instead closes the door behind her so they can have a preliminary chat. I hope I don’t look like shit. I feel like shit… But I really don’t want to look like shit.

A few seconds later the door opens. I turn and find Bric, closing it behind him.

“I’m sorry,” I say before he even says hello. “I’m sorry it ended that way.”

He smiles at me and takes in a deep breath. “It was your story, Chella. You can have it end any way you want.”

“Do you hate me? For telling Quin?”

“Why would I hate you for telling the truth?” he says. And then walks over to me and pulls me into a hug. “I don’t hate you. It had to come out. Somehow, some day. He had to know what happened. She came to me late last summer and told me she was pregnant. I was… a little stunned. And I don’t know if you ever knew this about me, but I went to school with Lucinda. We were in med school together.”

“You’re a doctor?”

“No,” he says. “I never finished my residency in psychiatry. I quit and never went back. Smith came into my life like a fucking tornado with all these big ideas about saving the world. I’m not a doctor, but I play amateur when people have issues at the club. I send them all to Lucinda, of course—she’s the Club psychiatrist and it’s mandatory, anyway. I sent Rochelle to her almost two years ago, when she was thinking about leaving us. I didn’t want her to leave. I liked her well enough. And knew Quin liked her a lot. I just wanted to keep things the same. I’m a man of habit.”

“And then I came along and fucked it up.”