Page 58 of Wasted Lust

“With sex?” Her eyes are searching mine. Longing for more, I can tell. But afraid to ask for it.

“You can call it that if you want. But I’m not gonna.”

“What’s it called?”

“I don’t know,” I answer truthfully. “I just got you, ya know? I wanted you so fucking bad, you have no idea.”

“You don’t even know me. You know Nick better than you know me. And I don’t know you at all. So tell me something real, Jax. Because every day I feel like a fake. I’m not real. I’m that illusion you thought I was. An apparition of that girl the Company made me. I have no idea what I’m doing. And I feel like I’m suffocating. I feel like my past is back to strangle the life out of me. I feel like I’ve been walking around wearing a costume for ten years and it’s so much a part of me, I’m afraid to take it off. I think I’ll lose myself for good if I take it off, Jax. So tell me something real. Or this ghost version of me might float away and disappear. I might never pull myself back from that. I was young when I killed those people. I was scared and I didn’t know any better. But now I know. What I did was wrong. What I became—”

I stop her words with another kiss. This time I cup her face with both hands, afraid that she really will float away and disappear. She opens her mouth, her tongue seeking me out. One hand slips up her shirt and I find her breast and twist her nipple.

Her moan makes me instantly hard. “That’s real,” I say, placing her hand over my erection. “That’s real. And last night when I was inside you, that was real, Sasha. I like you. Not because of who you were or who you might be in the future. I like you for the person you are now. I’m hard for you now.”

She squeezes my dick in her small palm. I flip her over on her back in one swift motion, and then hover myself over her body. “Say no if you want me to stop.”

I stare into her eyes as she thinks about my words. And just when she’s about to answer me, I put a finger to her lips.

She moans.

And then she opens her mouth and my finger slips inside. The wetness of her tongue sliding up and down my finger as I pump it in and out drives me insane. I would do anything to keep this girl. Anything.

She bucks her hips upward, driving into mine. Rubbing against my hard-on. “I want you on top,” I say, withdrawing my finger.

“Put me there.”

I reach underneath her back, hold her close to me, and then flip us over. Her knees immediately slide up next to my hips and she rises up on them as she pulls her t-shirt over her head.

“Holy fuck,” is the only thing I can manage as I stare at her perfect breasts. “You want something real? If you walk out on me tomorrow, Sasha, I will never recover. That’s something real.”

“I’ve never been naked in front of a man before.”

The change of subject is seamless. And it stuns me. “Never?”

“I have never let a man look at my body.” And then she rolls on her back, balancing herself on top of my thighs, and slips my boxer briefs down her legs. She gives me the most perfect pussy shot in the history of lust.

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

Before those words are out of my mouth, she’s back on top—knees at my hips, pussy over my hard-on, and her breasts pushing into my chest. “Fuck tomorrow. I always thought that was my motto. But I’m a fraud, Jax. I’ve been afraid of tomorrow my whole life. And just once I’d really like to give tomorrow the finger and not think about the consequences.”

“I am happy to help you flip off the future.”

She laughs. “I’m serious.”

“Me too.”

“Then why are you still wearing pants?”

“Sasha—”

“Please,” she begs. “Make it stop. Make this loneliness go away. I’m so fucking tired of being alone.”

I pull my shirt over my head and toss it into the hazy darkness and she lifts up her hips to allow me to get out of my boxers. They go flying into the void with the shirt. “You’re lying, right? About never being naked in front of a man?”

“I’m not. I spent every night I ever spent with a man trying my best to hide who I am. I never took off my clothes in the light because I thought they’d see through me.” And then she reaches over to the bedside table and flips on the small lamp. She bares her body to me in the glow. And when I look up into her eyes I see nothing but fear.

“Come here,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around her back and pulling her into my chest. “We don’t need sex, Sasha. I’m not here to take advantage of your confusion.”

“I do need it, Jax. I really, really do. And I need it with you. Because I believe you when you say I’m safe. And I’ve got to be honest, safe is something I’ve never felt before.”