Page 64 of Wasted Lust

“Yeah, so you know, if you want to dig dinosaur bones—”

“What if I don’t want to dig dinosaur bones?”

“What?” Ronnie is really confused now. “But that’s always been your dream.”

“I know, but don’t you think it’s a little childish? I mean, what kind of job is that?”

“It’s not a job, Sasha,” she says, going back to her face-painting. “It’s your passion.”

“I guess.”

She looks up at me again, her brush in mid-stroke, painting flames up the side of the little girl’s cheek. “Unless you’re just over it? Like me. I always wanted to be an artist. I used to think I was above tattoos and lament about how all I wanted was to be taken seriously as an artist. But you know what my passion is?”

“What?”

“Being a mom.” She smiles down at the girl as she finishes her design. “OK, Jenny, you’re done. Go watch Sparrow open presents.” Little Jenny, who must be a new friend because I’ve never seen her before, jumps up and runs off squealing for the other girls to look at her face. “And don’t touch it,” Ronnie calls, “or you’ll smear it all over!” She stands up and walks over to the sink to wash her hands. “Yeah, I wanted to be an artist, but this shit is just fun, Sasha. I mean it. This party is not even for my kid and I couldn’t do enough to help Rook plan for it. I always wanted to be Spencer’s wife, but I had no idea how much joy having his children would be.”

“Wow.”

“You’re not like me though, I know that. So if you’re thinking you’d like a different career, then go for it. You can change your mind any time you want, Sash. You’re so young.”

“I’m the same age you were when you got pregnant with Rory, though.”

“So? You can’t live your life on someone else’s timeline. Find your passion, like I did. And then give it all you’ve got.”

I nod, but then Rory and her three other girls are yelling for her to come watch as Sparrow opens her presents. Rook and Ronnie have been friends forever, it seems. They are raising their kids together as a team. Ashleigh too. But Ash and Ford are their own best friends. They mostly hang out together.

I want all of that. I want a guy like Ford and friends like Ash, and Rook, and Ronnie. And when I get out my checklist for happiness, I have none of those boxes ticked off.

I watch the presents being opened, then the singing, and the cake. But it’s too much for me today. It’s too much to sit here and take in all the things I don’t have. It’s heartbreaking to realize that I’m twenty-four years old and I have nothing to show for it but a long list of could’ve-beens and failures.

So I kiss all the Shrike Sisters, and hug their mommies, and get back in my crappy rental car so I can go spend the night alone at my parents’ house.

I drive slow down Mountain Avenue and pull the car into the driveway. I cut the engine and sit there in silence for a few seconds, pondering what I should do next.

I have no school to go back to. I’m sleeping with an FBI agent who wants me to rewrite my life plan and join him in hunting the lingering Company assholes. And the man who broke his promise to me is back in the picture.

Crossroads.

I feel like a kid back out on the prairie waiting for James to come kill me or save me.

It was a toss-up. My future was up in the air and it could’ve gone either way. But it went this way.

So here I am. Alone, lonely, and wishing so bad I could do it all over again, it hurts my heart.

Because I fucked up. Somewhere along the way, I fucked up.

And even though Jax is fun and makes me forget all the mistakes I made, I want to remember. I want to remember every single one of them so I can set them right.

And there is only one person alive who can help me do that.

Nick.

“Come on in, Jake. Just sit down and relax.”

My brother is… gone. This guy, I have no idea who he is. He makes his way across the safe house Max keeps in the Denver suburbs and collapses into a chair. He’s been chain-smoking since I picked him up at the Federal Center.

I wish I could make it better but I don’t have any words. So I just take a seat in the chair opposite him and lean back to wait him out.