Page 65 of Wasted Lust

He takes a long drag on his cigarette and blows the smoke into the room. It took me all day to secure his release and convince the entire fucking FBI satellite office that he is absolutely not under arrest. I don’t care how many dead bodies they found in his apartment.

“I hate my life,” he finally says after we’ve been sitting in the depressing room for ten minutes. “I hate my fucking life.”

“I’m sorry, man. I am. I’m so fucking sorry I didn’t answer when you called. I’m in the middle of recruiting this girl, Jake. She’s Company, man. She’s the Zero everyone was talking about years ago. I have her at the safe house in Nebraska.”

“Fuck that girl.” And then he drags his tired eyes up to mine and snarls, “Fuck you too.”

“Look,” I say, “I get it. You lost someone—”

His look alone is enough to cut me off. But he doesn’t stop there. “Lost someone? That’s what you’re calling this? Did we just lose Michael when Nick Tate came into our house and shot him in the head?”

I have nothing for that. But I have to try. If I don’t, he’s gonna walk out of here and never talk to me again. And I can’t let Nick Tate take away this brother too. He took Michael, he can’t have Jake. “No,” I say. “No. But listen to me, Jake. Everything we’ve been working for is in reach right now. I’ve got this girl ready to give up everything she knows.”

“Bullshit,” he says, looking up through the hair hanging across his face. “Bull-fucking-shit. If she’s Company, she’s the one playing you.”

“You don’t know her.”

“I know her well enough to know she can lie. She can kill. How much more do I need to know?”

“She’s not like that, man. I swear to God, we’re so fucking close to the win. She was Nick Tate’s promise.”

These words finally get his full attention. “Bullshit.”

I sigh and shrug my shoulders. “She was. And she was there that night it all went down in Santa Barbara. The night Nick got away, he used her too, Jake. He used her to do his dirty work and then he left her behind. She’s only twenty-four. She was only thirteen when that shit went down. And she’s assimilated really well into post-Company life.”

“There is no such thing and you know it.” He takes another long drag on his cigarette and blows some rings out of habit. “You never walk away from the Company. Just look at Nick. That motherfucker has been running shit since the day he walked out. All they do is reorganize, Jax. That’s all they do. We lost, man. We lost Michael and…”

He can’t say the other names. There are too many dead friends from the first time we tried to infiltrate the Company back in Miami several years ago. That ended the same way. Him in custody and Max and me saving his ass. And I really don’t want to play this card, especially after he lost two people last night. But I have no choice. “You made a deal with me, Jake. You made a deal and that’s why you’re not rotting in federal prison right now. So let’s make a new deal.”

“Fuck you,” he yells, standing up. His fists and jaw are clenching in unison. “I gave up four fucking years of my life for what? Those people they arrested last night weren’t Company. The whole thing was a bust. And I lost again.” He stresses the word. Hard.

He knows I can’t argue about that. He’s the one who takes the fall. It’s been that way since he made his choice to ditch the FBI and work alone. “It doesn’t matter. You got a lot of bad people off the streets of Denver, brother. You did your job and now you’re done.”

“Yeah,” he says, walking over to the terrace door and sliding it open. “I’m done.” He turns back to me, the cold wind from outside blowing past his face and catching his hair. “I’m out of here. You can do whatever you want with that Company girl, but I’m officially retired. I want everything you promised back in that interrogation room. Everything. I want that kid I told you about who went missing four years ago and I want my name erased from all the police reports they’re writing today. I’m not taking the fall for this, Jax. I won’t do it.”

“Hey, I said it’s done. And it is. It might take time to get the kid—”

“Fuck you and your time.” His eyes blaze as he walks back into the cold room. “And I want access to everything you took out of my apartment.”

“That’s FBI evidence, Jake. You know this.”

He sweeps his arm across an end table and shit goes flying. A lamp crashes against the wall and shatters, a plant lands on the coffee table, the dirt spilling out all over it. “Get it back!” he roars. “Get it back or I will turn your ass in. I will tell them, Jax. I will tell them everything we’ve been doing. I’m not even fucking around.”

I let out a long sigh. “I’ll get it back. I will. But I have to work on this case. I have to get back to that girl in Nebraska. Like today. I can’t leave her alone for too long.”

“Put a babysitter on her.”

“I will. I mean, I have. My street partner is watching her Kansas house right now, but my partner’s not one of us, so she doesn’t know about the Nebraska safe house. So if this girl walks out on me, there’s no one there to follow her. It’s a critical moment, Jake. Nick Tate is in the picture. He’s probably making a move right now. So I need to get back to Nebraska and work this shit out.”

Jake walks back to the chair, takes a seat, and pulls out another smoke. He draws in deep as he lights it, and then blows it out into the room already thick with haze. “I just lost everything.”

“It wasn’t yours to lose.” It’s a low blow, but someone’s gotta say it, and since Max isn’t here, I’m the only one who can.

“I don’t know how to get past this, Jake. You have no idea what was happening in my life the past few months.”

“I have some idea.”

He shoots me a look.