Page 63 of Pretty Nightmare

I’m not an impulsive man. At all. I’m methodical. I am contemplative. I am rational, and steady, and objective.

So what the actual fuck was I thinking? Who was I at fifteen that today, at twenty-nine, I can’t recognize that kid?

Was it life on the island that warped me? Seeing those girls in cages? The excitement of the auction and the forbidden nature of the events that took place there? What? What was it?

I don’t know. All of it, maybe?

And here’s the real problem: I can’t go to an outsider and ask these questions. If Ana knew what I’ve been up to for the last ten years, she would quickly diagnose me as a psychopath. And that would not be a casual diagnosis, either. It would be legit. This woman has as much training as I do. She’s not a medical doctor, but a PhD in cognitive neuroscience is no fucking joke.

It doesn’t even matter what she thinks. I understand I’m a psychopath. I have to be. There is just no other explanation for the decisions I’ve made. And yeah, I could just point to Adam and McKay and say, “So are they.” But it’s not the same. They don’t know better and I do.

There has to be something wrong with me. There has to be.

Of course, it’s pretty common for most psychopaths to feel normal. And I do. Most of the time. I don’t feel like a psychopath. I can point to hundreds of things in my day-to-day life that are completely normal.

I chuckle under my breath as I pull forward, listening to the tires of my Jeep crunch on her gravel driveway as I approach the cabin. Because that’s part of the problem.

I feel so fucking normal and that has to be a sign of disease. Doesn’t it?

Ana pulls the white curtains aside to peek out the window. But I only get a glimpse of her. Two seconds later she’s throwing open the raw-wood front door to her little cabin and walking through it to greet me with a wide, honest smile.

She waits for me on the porch with her hands on her hips looking like a dream in a light-green chiffon dress with tiny straps that show off her bronze shoulders.

I step out of the Jeep with a grin I couldn’t hold in if I wanted to. And I don’t want to.

After everything that happened yesterday, I need this.

I need her.

She opens her arms to me as I approach the porch stairs. “My Donny. How are you?”

“Donny.” I laugh. She is the only person who can get away with calling me Donny. “Forget about me. How are you?” I pull her into a hug when I reach the top step and just hold her for a moment.

But she pushes back almost immediately and holds me at arm’s length. “What’s wrong?”

I sigh. “Nothing now.”

“Stop it. I’m not going to listen to lies, Donovan Couture. A man from my past does not travel seventeen hundred miles from New Orleans to Ten Sleep on a whim because nothing is wrong.” She looks me up and down for a moment. “And I can feel the stress coming off you like heat.”

“Well.” I take a moment to gather my thoughts by running my fingers through my dark hair. “I’m not here for that. You know.” I wave my hand at her cabin. “Your facilities. Which are sparse, by the way. But I like it.”

She looks at me funny for a moment. “Oh. No. This is your cabin, sweetie. I thought you might need some privacy. I live on the other side of this hill in the lodge. That’s where the guests stay. We’ll take a look at it later. After you tell me why you’re really here.”

“As I was saying, I didn’t come for your healing. I just need some advice. You know. Colleague to colleague.”

She raises one eyebrow at me. “You came all this way to ask me an academic question?”

“Yeah.”

“That must be some question, Donovan.”

“It is.”

“OK. Well.” She looks over her shoulder. “Let’s go inside and have a chat then.” Then her wide smile is back and she hooks her hand around my arm and leads me inside.

It’s a typical cabin. Comfy couch and chairs. Raw-wood end tables. Small kitchen with knotty-pine cupboards and wide-planked floors. Very chic, and yet simple at the same time.

She makes tea and I sit on the couch and watch, wondering why I didn’t pursue her more. Why I ever let her leave. Why I didn’t chase her down and keep her a part of my life forever.