Page 72 of Romancing the Artist

She didn’t belong in the gray with him. Caroline needed light, life, and all the most vibrant hues in the rainbow. She needed dazzling purple sunsets in Spain, crystal blue waters of the Mediterranean, the silver frosts of Switzerland.

She deserved a golden horizon. He wanted to be the man standing beside her as she stepped into her dreams, traveling and painting, learning, exhibiting her art, meeting and conversing with others who saw the world through the prism if color and light as she did. He wanted to sit beside her on beaches while she sketched children playing in the sand, or stand with her in the Musée Royal du Louvre as she gazed on works of art the likes of which he’d only read of in history books. He wanted to give her the world. And all she had asked him to give her was…him. Edward.

“If you will not fight for yourself, how will you fight for me?”

He gritted his teeth and rose from his bed, going to the window and throwing it open to breathe deeply of the cool night air.

A potent combination of frustration, resentment, and a burning desire for authenticity churned within him. The years of repressing his own dreams and desires had taken their toll, and a profound weariness had kept him quiet and compliant. Yet, within the depths of his soul, a flicker of defiance had kept his hopes alive, an ember of self-determination that refused to be extinguished.

Loving Caroline had breathed life into his dormant aspirations, reigniting the dormant flame of his true self. In her presence, he found solace and inspiration, and felt more himself than he had been in years. Watching her work, her dedication to achieving her heart’s desire, made him wish he possessed the courage to confront his own inner battles.

She saw him for who he truly was, beyond the expectations and judgments of his father and society. With her by his side, did he have the ability to break free from the shackles of conformity and pursue his own dreams, unapologetically and authentically?

With each passing moment, the realization grew stronger within Edward that he could no longer deny his own desires and sacrifice his happiness to uphold an ideal that wasn’t his own. Caroline deserved more.

He looked up at the stars and whispered, “I deserve to be happy on my own terms, even if it means risking my family’s disappointment and disapproval. I can’t keep sacrificing my own happiness for my father’s demands.”

He would have to confront his father.

What was the worst that could happen? His father wouldn’t disinherit him, though he could refuse to give Edward access to the family coffers. Did that matter? How much did Edward need to travel with Caroline? They could make do, so long as she had the ability to purchase art supplies.

The stars glimmered, fading away into the gray of dawn. Had he been awake all night? His turmoil had lasted an eternity, yet time moved far too quickly. He had a plan to make. Did he have the time he needed to accomplish it?

Giving his heart and Caroline’s permission to wander the world wouldn’t mean they were forever rootless. He knew that. A day would come when they would want to settle, to call a place home again. When that day came, the Refuge would be waiting.

When they went to Spain, he would stay with his sister and the ambassador. He had friends in other places who would open their homes to him, he felt certain. Knowing that one day he could repay such favors. If he went through his belongings, the things that were his and his alone, selling everything, he could keep them well enough for a year.

If Caroline sold paintings, as he knew she would when others saw her inspired work, that would help with their travels, too. If she would have him still. If she thought they could live such a life together. He wouldn’t demand such a thing of her. He would put his plan together, estimate expenses and the worth of his belongings, and present her with all the facts.

Then, if she realized she needed more than Edward could give, he would let her go. Even if it shattered what was left of his weary heart. Then he would take those steps into the world without her, proud to have had her in his life for one glorious summer.

The sun crept into view, a soft yellow and gold, bringing light and life back to the countryside. The birds were singing and had been for an hour. The trees in the distant orchard stirred with the morning breeze coming in from the sea. A world that looked like the old but felt entirely new stretched before him.

Caroline had said she loved him. And Edward, with his plans laid out before him, would be able to tell her the same.

There wasn’t time to waste.

As Edward sat down at the desk in his room to meticulously map out his future, a wry smile tugged at the corners of his lips. The image of his former impulsive self, the one who had always embraced spontaneity and leapt into the unknown without a second thought, now planning every detail of his life, brought a touch of irony to his heart. He couldn’t help but chuckle at what those who knew him best would think.

He used a pencil, the better to write quickly without the need to worry over ink smudges. He used a sketchbook Caroline had sent home with him, filling the margins around his weak attempt recreating the sketch of a mouse she had handed him. He’d added the elephant ears with the hope it would make her laugh.

He adored her laughter.

The realization that he was embracing a more measured and calculated approach to his future, all for the sake of building a life with Caroline, filled him with both awe and amusement.

He barely registered when his valet came into the room and paused, likely shocked to see Edward not only out of bed but bent over a book and writing as though possessed by a frenzied muse.

After a time, Peters cleared his throat. “I have your clothing ready, sir.”

“Excellent. Thank you.” Edward dropped the pencil in the book and closed it, tying it shut with a ribbon. “I will need my hat and gloves, too. And my horse brought around. I need to go into Alderton straight away.”

“Yes, Mr. Edward.”

He would consult with the town’s only lawyer on the best method of selling his belongings. Perhaps the man would even give him an estimate of the prices Edward could expect to fetch for the sale of his horse, his stickpins, and the odds and ends he wouldn’t need to take with him on his journey. He would be thorough.

Caroline deserved the best he could provide her. She had declared that all she desired was Edward. Very well. He meant to offer her the best version of himself, even if that meant working at becoming that man every day for the rest of his life. Because she deserved nothing less than the very best in all aspects of life.

All his dreams included her now. And he dared hope she felt the same about him.