Page 110 of The Devil and His Ghost

My phone rang, and I knew without looking who it was. Nerves tried to tear at my insides, but I swallowed them down and answered before I could talk myself out of it.

“If it isn’t my darling brother,” I greeted.

“Darling? I don’t know about that. Handsome, awesome, best brother ever. Sure. I’m those things.”

I rolled my eyes even as I grinned. “Meh.”

“Did you enjoy your first day off in forever?” Terrance asked. “What did you and your boyfriend get up to?”

Terrance always called Xander my boyfriend when we spoke, and I’d stopped trying to correct him. And it wasn’t because the idea made my insides melt like butter over fresh pancakes.

“It was a very relaxing day,” I told him. “I slept a lot. You know, catching up on all the years of my fucked up sleep schedule thanks to my job.”

He laughed. “I can just picture you out like the dead. Drool all over your face. Hair sticking up at all angles. You slept so hard and messy when you were little, too.”

That gooey feeling inside me turned sour in an instant. I couldn’t swallow the nauseating feeling climbing my throat as I thought about why I’d slept so hard and long during the day while in the safe company of my older brother.

“You still there?” Terrance asked after many moments of silence.

I had to inhale deeply through my nose and blow it out through my mouth before I could answer. “Mhm, yeah. Sorry.”

“No. I’m sorry,” Terrance apologized regrettably. There was no missing the heavy tone of guilt in his words. “I shouldn’t bring up the past.”

I hated the ragged sound of his voice. I hated that I made him feel like he had to walk on eggshells when speaking to me. I hated that I couldn’t just exist with my brother and be jovial about our shared childhood without the cloud of the true past hanging over us.

“It’s fine, silly,” I lied with a laugh. “I love our memories.”

That wasn’t a lie. Terrance had always been my best friend and the perfect big brother. He let me play games with him instead of telling me to get lost like the other brothers did their sisters. He would sing songs to me while we brushed our hair and teeth after bath time. He’d sneak extra cookies from the cookie jar to share with me after our parents went to bed. We’d play house in our playset outside, and every time someone from the neighborhood or school called me weird for my “imaginary friends,” Terrance was the first one to stand up for me.

“You love me?” he asked hopefully.

“Of course I do, Terr-Bear.”

He was quiet. That silence became deafening. Like air inflating a balloon to the point of bursting, I braced myself for the loud pop that I knew was coming.

“Then,” he hedged, “will you please come to my wedding? I won’t make you be in the wedding party or come to the rehearsal dinner or anything. Just … Just coming to the ceremony is enough. Knowing my baby sister is there, hugging you, getting a photo with you on that huge day. I … I want to share this special moment with you, Kendyll. It won’t be the same without you there.”

I closed my eyes. Terrance’s wedding was this month. I no longer had work as an excuse to miss his big day, and if I was honest, I didn’t want to miss this day. I wanted to watch him greet the love of his life at the head of that aisle. I wanted to see him laugh and cry as he looked at her, knowing he was getting to start his life with his other half. But …

“I told Mom and Dad that I invited you,” he continued in a rush. “They don’t hold anything against you. They know you were just sick and in need of help back then. They’re excited that you might come. They’ve missed you, too.”

His words, meant to be comforting, had the exact opposite effect on me. Ice cold sweat lined my forehead and raced down my spine.

Suddenly, I wasn’t outside on the penthouse terrace. I was back in my childhood bedroom, staring across the dark room at the door as it opened to reveal a monster disguised as love. The clothes on my body were suddenly too tight, touching me in places where sweaty, rough palms had stolen from me.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I grabbed a fistful of my hair and tugged at the roots to focus on that burn instead of the one inside of me. “I’ll try,” I croaked. “I gotta run. My phone is about to die.”

Before he could respond, I ended the call and let my arm fall limp. The phone clattered to the ground, but I couldn’t be bothered to care. My ability to breathe was getting away from me. I plunged my other hand into my hair and curled in on myself while trying to shove down the painful memories.

I wasn’t that little girl anymore.

I wasn’t stuck there anymore.

I wasn’t his anymore.

Catsper meowed loudly. I slowly peeled my eyes open, not even realizing they were full of tears until Catsper’s phantom nose tried to rub them away where they trailed down my cheeks.

“Thanks, boy,” I whispered hoarsely and scratched at his ears as much as his ethereal body would allow. “Thank you. I—I’m fine.”