Page 56 of John’s Yearning

“And what’s wrong with you protecting me? I hired you.”

“Please understand, I can’t.”

It was too risky. If she stayed with him, how could he resist the temptation to touch her again? And who knew what would happen this time? For both their sakes, he couldn’t allow it.

24

“I understand fully,” Savannah said.

Because it was so obvious: John wanted as little to do with her as possible, because he regretted sleeping with her. And if she were smart, she wouldn’t bring the subject up, but she couldn’t bear that this tension between them might impede the investigation.

“I’m sorry, John. I know you regret having slept with me.”

He spun his head in her direction. “Regret?”

She didn’t want to look at him and stared out the window instead. “Yes, please don’t pretend it’s otherwise.” She tried to find the right words to continue. “We’re adults. And just because one of us wanted something and dragged the other into it, doesn’t mean it has to continue. I don’t expect anything from you. I’m not going to hold it against you that you did what most men do when a woman comes on to them.”

“You came on to me?”

She couldn’t tell whether he was mocking her or not, but it didn’t matter. Her pride was long gone. All she wanted was a clean slate between them. “First, when I offered you my body for helping me. You can’t have forgotten that. And then, after you rescued me, I practically threw myself into your arms. I don’t blame you for…for—”

“—for giving into temptation?”

She shrugged. “If you want to call it that. In any case, I see now that you don’t want anything further, and that’s fine. I’m not going to tempt you again.” As much as she longed for his arms again, for the comfort they gave her, the strength they lent her.

“I don’t think that’ll work, Savannah,” John said.

She spun her head to him. “Please, John, I promise.”

John suddenly slowed the car and pulled to the curb, where he stopped. Then he turned sideways in his seat and stared at her. “I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to say.”

Alarmed by the odd tone in his voice and the fact that he’d stopped the car, she asked, “What are you saying? That you’re giving the case to somebody else?” Her heart was thundering now.

John let out a deep sigh and ran one hand through his hair, pushing the long strands back behind his shoulder. “What I’m saying is that no matter what you do, no matter how you behave around me, I’ll always be tempted. I’m tempted right now.”

The words slammed into her like a freight train coming out of nowhere.

“But I can’t allow myself to act on it again. Don’t you see that? You were vulnerable, and I took advantage of you. And instead of being gentle with you, I fucked you like an animal. I used you for my own pleasure, when I knew you didn’t really want me. You went along because of the situation you were in. You’d gone through a horrible experience, and you needed comfort. And instead of giving you comfort, instead of reassuring you, I fucked you.”

His confession stunned her into silence. Did he really believe that he’d taken advantage of her?

“Now you know. You should stay away from me, for your own good. I can’t trust myself with you. If I take you to my house, if I let you stay there, I can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again. It’s been too long since I’ve…” He stopped himself. “You don’t need somebody like me. And you know it deep down. I could sense it afterwards. After we had sex. You couldn’t even look at me.”

Her heart beat into her throat. John was afraid of hurting her. He thought that he was imposing himself on her. That she hadn’t acted upon her own free will. That he’d steamrolled her.

Slowly Savannah shook her head. “I think you’re the one who doesn’t understand, John. I wanted you. Being in your arms, feeling you make love to me, was better than anything…” She dropped her lids and sighed. “But the guilt I felt afterwards, the guilt of having allowed myself to feel pleasure, to take something that was just for me, while Buffy is still in danger… that guilt is crushing me. I felt so ashamed afterwards. So ashamed that for a few minutes I was only thinking of myself.” She lifted her eyes again and met his gaze. “That’s why I couldn’t look at you. That’s why I couldn’t tell you how good it felt to be in your arms.”

“Goddamn it!” he cursed and hit his fist against the steering wheel. “You’re not supposed to say that. You’re not supposed to tell me that you want this, that you want me. How am I going to resist you, when you tell me you want this?” Torment shone from his eyes.

“You don’t have to resist. We’re adults. Nobody is preventing us from—”

“I feel like I’m betraying her, because I desire you.”

Shock charged through her veins like acid. “Her?”

“My wife.” He closed his eyes and breathed heavily. “I owe you an explanation.” He turned back in his seat and gripped the steering wheel. “But not here. This is not a conversation I want to have in the car.”

Savannah sat there in stunned silence. John had a wife. Yet he’d slept with her. Desired her. And why had he said it felt like he was betraying his wife? By sleeping with her, he had betrayed her. But a sideways glance at John told her that he wasn’t going to say another word until they’d reached their destination, wherever their destination was.