Page 31 of Baby Girl

I felt warm inside. I felt so good when he was pleased with me. My best and worst feelings were a result of Erik’s pleasure or disappointment. When he tells me that he is pleased with me, I am a greater degree of happy than I have ever known. When he is disappointed with me, I feel as if I wasn’t given an opportunity to correct it, life would not be worth living. To think…two months ago, I did not even know this man. I didn’t like thinking about life before him, nor did I like thinking about September.

“I want to find out more about you. I want to know everything about you, Kelli. I want to know what you do when you’re startled. How you react. I want to see you shoot a basket. I want to watch you walk in the warm rain. Smell a flower,” he took a drink of his water, and continued.

“I want to watch you count on your fingers. Choose food from a menu you’re uncertain of, but afraid to ask about. Use chopsticks,” as soon as he said chopsticks, I smiled, thinking of the day at Espresso A Go-Go.

“Fry an egg, wash your car by hand, tear up a sheet of paper, attend a wedding, ride a rollercoaster,” he paused, looking at his glass of water for a long moment.

“Just everything, Kelli, I want you to be yourself in front of me,” he said, continuing to look down at his water.

“I am myself for you, Erik.”

“Oh, I am aware that you are. I mean that I want to witness you being you. Watch you grow, live life, exist. Kelli, I want to see you doing all of the things that you do, and be all of the things that you are able to be,” he said, looking up from his water.

This all sounded good to me. It sure didn’t sound as if he intended to drop me like a hot rock at the first opportunity he had to do so. Eager, uncertain, and scared, I responded.

“Making you happy makes me happy. I just want to make you happy,” I said, with my palms on each cheek, resting my chin on the heel of my palms.

I thought about it, and I took a chance. I wanted to try to find out what he was thinking, what he intended for us, and how long this may last. I felt like I was riding an emotional roller coaster against a clock, not knowing when the time would run out.

“I like what we have together. Being with you makes me happy. I like the adventurous sex, and how you’re spontaneous with it. I enjoy it, and I could do this forever, and be happy,” I said as I brushed my hair behind my ears.

Erik had said he really liked my hair behind my ears, and I had been trying to remember to do this as often as possible.

“Kelli, the extent of what we have done, sexually…well, it’s just one facet of my sexual life - my sexual preferences. I am slowly, and I do mean slowly exposing you to what a sexual relationship with me would consist of. I am not an exhibitionist, by any means. Movie theatres, patios of restaurants, and dressing rooms at the mall, those are acts of spontaneity. That is not, in any fashion, the extent of my sexual prowess or interest. As I said, it is a facet. One cut on the face of a stone that will later become a diamond. Do you understand?” he asked in a matter of fact tone.

“Yes, sir,” I responded quickly. I was both scared and excited. I wondered what else he intended to do with me. A sexual relationship with me…I wonder what he means by that. Not the sexual part, but the relationship part. We hang out and fuck with no commitment? I may not have committed to him, but I was convinced that no other man could satisfy me. I suppose that was some form of commitment. Sitting here thinking was making me want more of an answer. I had everything to lose, but the curiosity was killing me.

We were sitting outside in a covered patio area of what looked like an old airplane hangar that had been turned into a restaurant and club. The hangar doors were open, and the wind was blowing through the hangar. One set of doors faced the runway of the little airport, and the planes were flying in and out as we sat and talked. It wasn’t hot out for this time of year, but my tea glass was covered in moisture. I took my hand and wiped the cold layer of moisture from the glass, collecting it in my hand.

“I understand the sex, the sexual part of the relationship. I understand that, but what about the relationship? What does our relationship consist of? In your eyes?” I asked as I wiped the moisture from my hand onto my forehead, and then ran my hand through my hair.

“That’s you and I being together. Like we are now, doing things together,” he responded, outstretching his arms, “this is the relationship.”

“That doesn’t tell me anything. Sex and hanging out, that’s it?” I felt myself starting to get frustrated.

“Are you disappointed baby girl?”

It wasn’t as satisfying knowing that he was saying baby girl to try to get me to shut up - to try to satisfy me. We had started this conversation, and I wanted to get some satisfaction out of the answers, regardless of what they were.

“I guess, I don’t know. I mean, I want to know what you’re thinking long term. I don’t care where this ends up. I mean, well, I do, but I don’t. Whatever you answer, I am going to be the same person with the same interests. But I want to know what you’re thinking. In a perfect world, as you always say, where do we end up?” I asked as I stared at my glass, waiting for more moisture to collect.

“Well, let’s see. Kelli, I enjoy your company. I enjoy your company immensely. I want to make the most of this – what we have, and for both of us to be happy with it,” he responded quietly, as if that solved the questions I had asked.

“No. I want an answer. You talk in circles about things that you don’t want to answer. Us. You and I. Am I different enough? Do I spark enough interest in you that I qualify for something…anything that other girls in the past haven’t? Is it too early to tell? Are all women the same to you? Is this the same…”

“Stop. Let me try to explain,” he interrupted.

“No, let me finish,” I asked.

“Let me finish, Kelli, I think this will answer everything,” he said.

“Ok.”

“Let me see. You are different to me, much different. This is not something I had intended to talk about today, or really even in the next month or so, but this is how I feel.” He paused, took a drink of water, and continued.

“I never missed my father. I never knew him, really. My mother dying caused me to miss her. I still miss her today. I miss talking to her, seeing her, listening to her talk, her cooking, her smiles, everything. But I have never missed anyone else in my life, ever. Male or female, people come and people go. It is all part of life. I have never sat at home and wanted to see someone in particular. I have been bored with being alone, and wanted to see someone, but I never cared who that someone was,” he paused, looked down, and rubbed his forehead.

“Until I met you.” He continued.