Page 56 of Baby Girl

I packed some bags with clothes for both of us, put them in the truck, got Margaret’s dope and needles found, and packed them into the glove box. I drove straight to San Diego in that truck with Margaret in the back. 1200 miles. Twenty hours is what it took. I spent most of the time that I drove cussing and crying.

I started smoking again on that trip. The thought of living a life without Margaret was more than I could fathom, and it didn’t sit well with me. When I got to Chula Vista, I got a hotel room off the highway and waited till morning. I called the police in the morning, and told them that I woke up to her, cold and stiff.

I explained that we had been driving all night, and that I carried her in the room from the truck thinking she was asleep. They never questioned me, and said that she was dead when I carried her into the room. I explained that she must have took a shot at the stop in Arizona at the truck stop.

They searched the truck and found her bad with the needles, dope, and such, and confiscated it. After the autopsy was done, and they called, I buried her there in San Diego, and never said a word to anyone but my folks.

I told everyone that she left and never came back. For years, most thought one day she’d sober up and return, we’d been together for a few decades after all. Some, after a few years, started a rumor that I had paid her to leave, so as to keep from embarrassing Kelli. I let them say what they had to say, all the while knowing the fucking truth.

I loved that woman and still love her today. I always told myself one day I would tell Kelli, but I am afraid that secret will go with me to my grave. There is not one single shred of benefit that will come from Kelli knowing that her mother died as a heroin addict. Not one.

Kelli went on to have perfect grades throughout school. She never got involved in anything but track, and she loved to run. She would spend all of her evenings after school running and doing homework. Nothing ever made me happier than to see her succeeding at what she set as a goal.

She got scholarship offers from all over the country, and chose going to school in the state, at KU, so she could be closer to me. She agreed to go to Columbia for her Graduate School to get the business masters. We agreed all along that a woman in this industry would need that to be a success, and to be perceived by others as being a success. She had my respect, but she would have to have that sheepskin to have the respect of everyone else.

Being without her, and knowing that she would be so far away was something that was going to be tough for me. Losing Margaret took a good chunk of me when it happened. Losing Kelli was going to be tough, even if I knew she was in another state going to school.

There were times when I wish that we could go back to the days when she held my finger in bed. Those days are long gone. Gone from ever happening again, but not gone from my mind.

Kelli is and will always remain the only thing in my life that I love.

KELLI. Wondering what Erik was thinking drives me crazy sometimes. He doesn’t talk too much when he is away from me, and thinking about what he might be thinking about is sometimes more than I want to think about. My mind gets all jumbled with the possibilities of what he may be thinking, and whether or not I have done something to make him upset with me. He always tells me when I ask him if he’s upset that he isn’t. I don’t ever want him to be upset with me, not ever.

We needed to talk about my grad school, and about us, and he never responded to that text I sent him. I knew, knew, knew when I typed it that it was a bad idea. Even if I love Erik with all of my heart, it was a really bad idea to send that text. It was so childish of me, and so irresponsible of me. Erik was the best thing to ever happen to me, and I didn’t want to lose him over a ridiculous selfish text message.

Erik could spend the rest of his life with me and never tell me he loved me, and I would be happy – as long as I had him. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and make changes to some of the stupid things that I have done. This was one of those things.

No matter how many times I looked in the mirror, I looked retarded. My butt is too skinny, and my thighs are huge. I stood in front of the mirror in my new dress trying to decide if I looked like a fool. As always, I did. Erik always told me that I looked great, but I wonder how sincere he is. I can’t look great all of the time. Not to anyone. Erik looked great, always.

I want his arms around me.

When Erik holds me, nothing else matters. When I put my head on his shoulder, there is nothing else that matters. Feeling his chest against mine, and his heart beating – I love it. He touches my face, and tells me I am beautiful, and he always runs his hands through my hair. I love it when he runs his hands through my hair. I wish he never stops running his hands through my hair.

And I love the way he makes me cum. Nobody has ever made me cum so much. Over, and over, and over. Erik has reinvented the orgasm for me. He said he was going to ruin me, and own me. He did both.

Sometimes I tried to think what I would be like if Erik was to leave me, and never see me again. I would lie in my bed and think. Erik no more. No more hugging. No more smiles. No more hand holding. No more tying me up and fucking me good. And no more I don’t even know what’s next because he said this is nothing more than a slice of a side of a diamond and oh my fucking God he is going to fuck me so many different ways and there are always going to be surprises because I never know what he is going to do next.

No more baby girl.

I always stop thinking about it and tell myself to live in today, and make Erik happy. Do what he wants, because what he wants is what I want. I want him to be happy, and when he wants something, I want to do it. Because he wants it.

I am so fat. Fat legs. I wish they could suck fat out of my legs and shove it in my butt. Someone needs to figure that one out. I would be a happy girl if my leg fat became my butt fat. If my butt was a little bit fatter, I wonder what it would feel like when Erik slapped it. I love it when I don’t know he’s going to spank me and he spanks me anyway. That first slap is so good. After he slaps it the first time, I know he is going to slap it again, and I wait for it. And then whenever he moves his arm, I know it’s coming. I still love it, but that first one is always the best.

Thinking about it is making me wet.

And I am not wearing panties.

Time, time, time. What time…6:50. Erik is supposed to be here to get me at 7:00.

Where do all my bobby pins go? I buy them by the hundreds, and I never have any. There should be 500 bobby pins on the floor or in my bed, and there are none. Three, I have three bobby pins in the bathroom.

Three.

I hope when Erik gets here, he doesn’t get mad about the grad school talk. I will do whatever he wants me to do. Anything. But I do not want him to get mad because I spent all summer not telling him. I just want him to hug me. Hug me and tell me everything is alright. I want that.

I want him to hug me with his cock.

I can’t ever get enough of him. I know Erik said I am not broken and that I am normal, but all I ever think about is fucking him. That’s all I can think about. Who would have him and not spend every moment of every day wanting to fuck him? Who would not be fucking him every moment that he is around? I want to fuck him a lot more than he wants to fuck me. I wish he fucked me all the time. In the house, in the elevator, in the car, in the parking garage, in the parking lot, at the store. I love fucking him.