Page 106 of Knot Their Soldier: Part Three

Her expression flickers, some of the bite softening into weary frustration, and her lips twitch with the hint of a smile. "No? Shame. I was hoping to build my leadership platform on controlled substances and intimidation."

"I think they knew you could handle it. You're good under pressure." I try to catch her eye, to reassure her.

She pulls away and starts to fuss with the tray beside her, rearranging instruments that are already in order.

"I had help," Everlyn says. "Jason kept the communications team on task, keeping a lookout for signs of an attack. And Prime Alpha Zero kept the military side from eating itself. He did good, but he's uninterested in taking full leadership for whatever reason. He, and surprisingly Knox, had enough people loyal to them that nobody tried anything truly stupid."

She pauses, then gives a flat, brittle little laugh.

"Not openly, anyway."

Her left hand trembles as she reaches for the datapad. She grips the edge of it too hard, knuckles whitening.

"But you were gone. Your Pack was gone. And everyone was still talking about you coming back to life and Commanding the Human army to retreat. No one knew what the real story was, or whether it was even true, or whether it was something we could put our hope in." She glances at me, then looks away just as quickly, like she does not have the energy to deal with my face and the memory of my death at the same time. "So while half the fortress was panicking about leadership, the other half was panicking about you."

I open my mouth, then close it again.

Everlyn exhales through her nose, long and shaky, and rubs at her forehead with the heel of her palm. When she speaks again, her voice is quieter, rougher, worn down to the thread.

"I think most of us are just confused and scared," she says. "There is a literal army at our doorstep to destroy us all, and we do not know how we're going to survive it."

She swallows hard.

"Stone told us nothing, Halley. There is nothing." Her voice starts to climb despite herself. "No plans written down. No contingencies. No chain of information. It was all need-to-know, need-to-know, need-to-know, and now he’s dead, and it turns out..." She lets out a brittle, disbelieving laugh that catches in her throat. "It turns out no one knew. He wasn't some brilliant puppet master with it all figured out; he really was just a senile old man with control issues."

She takes a gulping breath, blinking rapidly.

Then another.

Her chest is heaving as she fights to catch her breath, words tripping over each other as the composure slips.

"Do you know how many times people asked me what Stone would have wanted?" she demands. "As if I even knew the Alpha beyond him kidnapping Jason and me to bring us here. As if I could pull strategy out of thin air between stitching wounds, contemplating our coming demise, making sure we had enough food in the mess, and trying to stop armed men from disemboweling each other in my infirmary. And fuck! We came here to save Dazz, Ember, and Flicker, and I realized today that I haven't spared them a single thought in weeks."

My heart pangs at the sound of their names, and the guilt is quick to follow. When was the last time I thought about my Omegas? My newfound confidence can't stop the wave of self-loathing that washes over me.

Everlyn drags in another breath, thin and shaky, one hand braced hard on the exam trolley.

"I am tired," she says, and the words come out on a laugh that sounds one step from a sob. "I am so tired I can feel my own heartbeat in my teeth."

"Everlyn…" I say softly, reaching to touch her shoulder.

She pulls away from me, tears welling. "And on top of all that, I still can't get over you dying. You're right here in front of me, alive and healthy, but my mind hasn't caught up. I'm still grieving for a dead friend. Twice! Twice I thought you were dead, and it broke me each time."

The words hit me like a blow.

My hand stays half-lifted between us, useless.

"Ev, I’m sorry," I whisper. "I know that doesn’t fix any of it, but I’m here. I’m here."

She scrubs the heel of her palm into one eye so hard I know she must be seeing black spots. Then she inhales, jagged at first, and forces the next breath to steady.

"I know." Her voice is muffled. "And I’m sorry I’m awful right now."

"You’re not awful."

"I threatened three Alphas with a bone saw this morning."

A surprised laugh bursts from me as I picture the scene. "That sounds justified."