Page 280 of Breathe Like Hell

“I don’t think I’d mind if that was the reason,” I managed to whisper. It was a dangerous, stupid thing to say. Why are we doing this? What’s really going to happen?

“And I don’t think I’d mind if you mostly liked me for being broken,” he breathed.

I didn’t look at him. I wasn’t sure if he was looking at me.

“We were so young,” I said. It was true. Mason was twenty one when I met him. Same as Dakota. The only difference being that I was twenty three at that time. We’d been living in Heaven, learning each other under the arc of the deep red sky.

“Too young to escape unscathed, probably.”

“Probably,” I agreed. I imagined it would be difficult to leave a relationship spanning half a century regardless, but it was certainly made harder by being with him during every year I spent learning who I was. I’d never really learned how to live without Mason. Thus, my need for immediate intellectual distraction in a world without him.

“Would you be happy if I gave up Dakota?” he asked. It was clear he’d tried to disguise the pain in his voice, but it bled through all the same.

I didn’t need time to think on my answer, but I waited a minute.

Maybe to delay this.

Maybe because it was too honest.

Maybe because at some point in my life, I had become a maze. I hid truths behind walls, smothered vulnerabilities in dark corners, concealed myself between routes to the center. And I wasn’t really learning how to stop doing that now, but perhaps there did exist a future in which I might.

Still the odds were slim. I wouldn’t ignore that.

“No,” I finally answered. “Because I don’t think that would make her happy. And her happiness matters more than however I feel about you.”

I wasn’t sure how to feel about him, though.

There were no simple words to describe any of this.

I didn’t know if there was a future between us, but my mind’s considerations didn’t say much about my heart. Maybe I was hoping for it, against the odds.

Maybe I was praying for it, terrified as I felt. Praying that I wouldn’t lose him again.

“Yeah.”

The room was quiet for a few minutes.

Then, “Do you care if I shower?”

“I’d prefer if you went to the guest bathroom.”

“Alright.”

Mason didn’t get up, despite what he’d asked. It made me slightly uneasy. I didn’t want him to try anything. A conversation, sex, something else.

“Dakota will be here in a little bit,” Mason said. “I’ll leave you alone tonight.”

“You’re not picking her up? I could get her.”

“She’s probably going to fly,” he reminded me.

Oh, fuck. Somehow, I’d forgotten she was an angel now. I knew it, but it wasn’t always my first thought. I’d still never seen her wings.

“Right.”

Mason stood up and left the bathroom.

CHAPTER SEVENTY