Page 95 of Breathe Like Hell

Deep down, I’ll always want this.

But me wanting it wouldn’t save me from being destroyed by it. My desire couldn’t protect me—though maybe this assured destruction was the reason I wanted it in the first place.

Maybe I kept coming back because I knew he was going to hurt me.

That’s terrible.

“Okay,” Mason said, breathing a sigh of relief as he hugged me to his warm chest. “Good.”

“Why do you care?” I whispered. “Why do you care if I want to leave?”

“I want to be with you. It doesn’t matter why.”

“Yes it does,” I said under my breath, trying to will away the pressure behind my eyes. “Please let go of me.”

After a minute, he loosened his hold enough for me to slip away from him and out of the bathroom. I crawled onto the bed, grabbing my phone off the charger and staring at the screen with blurry vision. Mason was close behind me, climbing onto the mattress at my back, never letting me breathe.

“I fucking need you, baby,” he said, making me look at him again. “I need you so much. Okay?”

“Why?” I whispered, no longer attempting to stop my tears from falling. I was tired and overwhelmed and cold from my soaking-wet hair.

“I don’t want to talk about this. It’ll ruin everything.”

“Everything is already ruined, Mason,” I pleaded weakly, hardly able to muster the strength to care about this anymore. Nothing in my life felt good, and nobody ever listened to me. Nothing was ever going to get better. Our circles were turning into spirals, and all of us were heading straight towards the drain. “It’s only going to keep getting worse. We both know that. Whatever’s happening between us isn’t sustainable if all we do is hurt each other.”

“It is sustainable and that’s not all we do.”

“Don’t be fucking stupid.” I shook my head, my cheeks slick and my chest aching.

“Don’t be fucking stubborn.”

“I am stubborn, and I’m going to text Micah to pick me up unless you talk to me.” I stared at him, wondering if he could see how much I despised how he was acting, wondering if he could see how badly I wanted him to give me something real. But if he could see it, he didn’t care. More pointless tears rolled down my cheeks.

“Fine. Text him, then,” Mason said.

I physically recoiled, as if he’d slapped me.

“I hate you,” I seethed, his words stabbing straight into my heart. He was killing me with everything he said, cutting me to pieces, butchering all the soft parts of me. He’d rather let me feel like I was dying than be honest with me. I’m bleeding out right in front of you and you don’t even care. “I hate the way you make me feel, the way you make me act, the things you make me want.”

“You wanted all that shit before you met me, Dakota,” Mason said through gritted teeth, his hand snapping up to grab my jaw too hard. Always too hard. Could he even tell that he was using too much force, or did he simply not care? “Just because I’m the only one brave enough to go there with you, doesn’t mean I caused it to exist.”

“You’re not brave, you’re sick in the head! What is it you’re so afraid to tell me?” I screamed, wincing at the force of his fingers pressing into my tear stained cheeks. “I can’t fathom you telling me anything that will make me feel worse than how I feel right now! I don’t flinch with you. Remember that? It goes both ways.”

“It doesn’t go this way.”

My vision was going red with how fucking angry he made me. I clenched my hands into fists, curling my fingers tighter until my fingernails were digging into my palms. He was immovable.

I would do anything he asked me to, except this. And I couldn’t fucking stand the fact that he didn’t seem to care.

I can’t accept this. I can’t stay here with you and let you hurt me when it’s all you ever do. I need more than that.

I grabbed his wrist and yanked his hand off my face, then jumped off the bed and darted into his bathroom, slamming the door shut and clicking the lock on the handle with trembling fingers. Crying harder, I typed out my text to Micah.

He responded right away. I wished it made me feel better.

I could hear Mason on the other side of the door, jamming something into the locking mechanism on the outside of the door handle. The sound of metal on metal made me jump. The lock popped open and I instantly pushed it in again.

“Don’t come in here,” I warned, my wide eyes staring on the door handle.