Page 112 of Hard to Get

My stomach tightens so fiercely, I’m afraid I might barf.

“After feeling basically abandoned by both my parents, this was a high for me. That need for belonging… to be seen and accepted exactly as you are… after years of suppressing that, it felt exciting and fun and… affirming. It felt good to be loved.” Her voice is small.

I close my eyes as emotion clogs my throat. “Stella.” You are loved.

“I found myself craving his attention. When he texted me, I’d get a rush of excitement. When he didn’t text me back, I’d spiral into anxiety. I’d doubt whether he really loved me… because I didn’t actually believe I was worth it.”

I can’t stop the strangled noise that rises in my esophagus.

“That kind of feeling can make you ignore red flags.”

“Like not knowing how to pay a fucking credit card bill?” I grate out.

She swallows, eyes big and shiny. “Yeah. Like that.”

Jesus.

“I didn’t want him mad at me all the time. Some kind of people-pleasing bullshit. So I just did everything. But it affected how I felt about him. I told you I felt like his mother after a while. It’s hard to have sexy feelings for a guy when you feel like his mother.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s what really ended things. Of course he blamed me for the lack of sex.” Her tone turns bitter.

I really don’t want to hear this. But I also do.

“All those stupid stereotypes about women not liking sex and withholding sex as punishment,” she adds.

“He couldn’t possibly think you don’t like sex.”

“He could, though, because I didn’t want to have sex with him.” She says it haltingly, with a little notch between her brows, as if worried that I’ll judge her. That I’ll think less of her for that.

Stella has always been a willing partner in our sexual relationship. More than willing, sometimes. She’s been downright horny. I love that. I love giving her pleasure and I think she does, too.

“One day, I was talking to Gracie about it and I was making excuses for him and saying it was fair that he felt like I was withholding sex and… I realized… I wasn’t just becoming his mother… I was becoming my mother.”

Oh fuck.

“I was putting up with all his bullshit because I didn’t want to lose him. Or I didn’t want to lose the idea of him. That high of feeling loved and seen… although to be honest, that had faded by that point. And I had to stop and think about whether the relationship was really what I wanted.”

“And I guess the answer was no.”

Her chin descends in a tiny nod. Her lips are puffed up like she’s going to cry.

I pull her closer to me, pressing her face to my chest with a hand on her head. “Stella. Jesus.”

“I’m sorry to dump all my baggage on you at once.”

“No. It’s good. I’m glad you feel safe enough with me to tell me that stuff.” The honour of it makes my heart expand hard against my sternum.

“I do,” she whispers.

I feel safe with her, too. My life is intensely physical, competitive and demanding, and I have stuff in my background that I have never told anyone about. I’m not afraid to admit that feeling safe with a woman is important.

I can’t fucking stand it that she didn’t feel loved. Or seen. Or appreciated.

“Stella.” I touch her cheek, so gently. “I am seriously falling for you.”

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