Page 122 of Hard to Get

“You’re obviously miserable about this.”

“I guess.”

“Is it possible that means you care about Jayden? Like, a lot?”

“I do care about him. Of course I do.”

“Do you love him?”

I blow out a breath, my head still down. Love. Do I even know what love is? “I thought I loved Cole, but it turned out I just wanted to be loved. Maybe I can’t love anyone.”

“I doubt that,” Alexis says dryly. “You treat that dog like your child.”

“Not to mention your orchids,” Lauren adds.

“I think you have Betty as a substitute for human connection,” Alexis adds.

“That’s ridiculous. I have Betty because I love dogs. And I love her.”

Alexis smiles.

“Okay, I can love dogs. But not people. Eh. I know I’m being ridiculous. I love you guys. But even if I do love Jayden, it’s probably not forever.”

“Nobody knows that,” Lauren says.

“It’s not like he asked you to marry him,” Gracie says. “Jeez, Stell. I could see freaking out over that.”

“Do I even know what love is?” I muse.

Their sighs are so deep, I can feel a breeze.

“Here’s the thing about love,” Lauren says. “There are no guarantees. You know there are risks. There’s a risk his feelings could change. Your feelings could change. One of you could die.”

I lift my head to peer at her. “That’s morbid.”

“I don’t know if that’s helping, Lo,” Gracie says.

“What? It’s a real risk. There are lots of risks to falling in love! We all know it and we all do it anyway, or most of us do, because we know that even though there are risks, the potential for joy and connection and belonging makes it all worthwhile. You have to take a leap of faith.”

I mull that over. “I’m not sure that I do find it all worthwhile.” I pause. “It’s scary.”

“What are you scared of?” Gracie asks gently.

“Well, according to my brother, I’m afraid of abandonment, rejection and betrayal.”

“That would be understandable. That’s why you didn’t even date until you were in university. And even then, you somehow found emotionally unavailable guys.”

I frown. “That’s true. I guess I’d learned to associate love with disappointment and rejection. But I don’t need a man. I know that.”

“But what are you afraid of?” she probes again.

I’m silent, thinking. And then my throat squeezes and I have to swallow painfully. “I’m…” I clear my clogged throat. “I’m afraid of becoming my mother.”

My friends gaze at me with troubled expressions. Gracie reaches over and takes my hand to squeeze it. I hate feeling vulnerable like this. Saying that out loud is… terrifying. But their obvious compassion makes sharing that worry almost a relief.

“When I was telling you about the problems Cole and I were having and how he was griping about not getting enough bedroom action and I was trying to defend him because it was true, I didn’t want to sleep with him because I was so turned off by him basically being a child…” I pause to inhale a breath. “That was when I realized I was acting like my mom. Making excuses for him and staying with a man I didn’t love anymore because I didn’t want to end things.”

“Oh my God.” Gracie gazes at me. “That’s what you thought?”