Page 94 of Hard to Get

“I still feel so much guilt… I guess I’m trying to make up for my weakness.”

“That wasn’t a weakness!”

“It felt weak. I was scared. And I felt ashamed.”

“You were a kid. There were adults there who should have known better. They’re the ones who were weak. Cowardly. I hate that for you.”

He gives a jerky nod.

“Does it help? Talking to kids about that stuff?”

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “It does. It does help to believe maybe now I’m helping prevent something from happening to someone else.”

“I know you are.” I kiss his cheek. “You’re a good man. You’re strong enough to overcome that bullshit. Brave enough to talk about stuff like that. I’m… I…” I stop.

Something in my chest feels swollen and tender. My stomach is rock hard and I gulp down a few breaths. I’m afraid.

Please don’t let me fall in love.

“I should go,” I say without moving.

“Yeah. I’ll walk you home.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know. But I will. Frank needs to go out and pee before bed anyway.”

“Okay.”

I make it home despite the shakiness in my legs and the ache in my stomach.

“I won’t come in,” Jayden says on my front steps. “Betty’ll get all wound up.”

I smile. “That’s true.”

“Thanks for listening to me. Sorry I was such a downer.” His eyes are searching, cautious.

I move my head side to side, holding his gaze. “Not a downer. You can talk to me about anything.”

“Yeah.” He strokes my cheek with his knuckles. “I feel like I can. I’ve never told anyone about that but my parents.”

“Thank you for trusting me,” I whisper.

He bends his head and kisses me.

I kiss him back, our mouths clinging in a sweet, heartfelt kiss. I want him to know that I think he’s brave and strong and honourable. “Truth and courage are hard,” I whisper to him. “But they’re never a weakness.”

When I eventually get into my bed and the room is dark, I pull Betty into my arms and let the tears fall. I hate what happened to Jayden. I hate that he was hurt. I hate that he was bullied. I hate that he feels like he did something wrong. It makes me burn inside, like red-hot lava is bubbling inside me. Right now, I feel so close to him.

Please don’t let me fall in love.

I watch the game Tuesday night. They’re playing at home against Winnipeg. It’s a pretty good game.

It’s tied at two in the third period and Winnipeg starts to dominate, hemming the Orcas in in their own end. They’re trying hard for the go ahead goal. I sit on the edge of my couch, watching. Then Moosetail takes a hooking penalty.

“Shit!”

That’s not what we need right now!