Page 100 of Home Is Where You Are

“What’s something good in your life that’s happened recently?” she asked, breaking the ice.

I was shocked she didn’t want to get straight into the reason that brought me here, but was thankful, nonetheless.

“I had an interview this morning which I’m sure I nailed. But, I’m not taking the position,” I admitted.

“Why’s that?” she asked, jotting something in the notebook. My mind drifted to what she could possibly be writing down, unable to focus on my response. I hated when my other therapist just jotted away, barely making eye contact, but she didn’t do that. Her pen made the notes while her eyes never left mine, making my unease lessen.

“The position is amazing. The man interviewing me was another story,” I began as I spilled how I felt once the interview concluded. I wasn’t sure what it was about her, but the words flowed freely from my lips until I was finished recounting the entire interview.

“I can see why that’d make you hesitant to accept the position. Do you have any other job prospects?”

I went on to tell her about the opening at our family ranch, explaining the position I’d hold, how much I loved the family’s business, and the ways I could make it better. The more I spoke, the more I could hear how passionate I was about the ranch.

Once I was finished, she made more notes before she continued.

“You seem very knowledgeable about your family business. Your eyes lit up just speaking about the strategies you could implement to gain more bookings and make the guest experience even better than it already sounds. Why are you hesitant to work for your family?”

I thought about how to respond for a beat.

“I was hesitant because I didn’t just want my identity tied to my family. I wanted to be my own person. Forge my own path, not just do what’s expected of me,” I admitted, and saying it out loud felt freeing, like I finally wasn’t weighed down by my dilemma.

“I think you’re looking at it all wrong. You are a Courtright. You have a family business that you love. I could tell by how highly you speak of everything regarding the ranch. Instead of looking at it like it would be tying you down, why don’t you look at it like you doing what you’re meant to do. There’s passion in your voice when you speak about the position and the ways you can make it better with the knowledge you learned from your degree; let that guide you instead of looking at it like a hindrance.”

When she put it like that, she solidified my feelings that the ranch was where I was meant to be. I’d always thought working on the ranch would hold me back, but not anymore. The ranch was where I was meant to thrive and grow.

“I’d never looked at it like that before.”

“I read over your intake questionnaire. I’m sorry for the loss of your child. But instead of going directly into that, I want you to tell me the struggles you’ve had since you’ve returned home.”

I took a deep breath and grabbed a few tissues from the table in front of me and sat back, ready to tackle the one of many hard questions I was sure she’d ask for the remainder of our session.

“Everyone welcomed me back with open arms, but until recently I’d only thought of my pain. Of my hurt. I’ve been selfish, when I should’ve been more sympathetic toward the pain I caused everyone, especially Gentry. I’m just unsure of how to fix the brokenness I’ve caused. I hate that every night when I go to my bedroom to go to sleep, I feel like I can’t breathe being in the space where I lost her.”

“Is there another room you can move to that would make you more comfortable being home? Maybe you could move out if that’s an option for you?”

“My mom offered, but I didn’t want to be a burden. There’s also the house that’s on our property that my grandparents left me in their will. It’s sat vacant the last four years.”

“Are either of those options something you’d consider that would make you feel more comfortable?”

I loved how she asked a question without sounding pushy for an answer.

I weighed both options in my head. Moving rooms would be the easiest option, but I loved the idea of having my own space again. After four years of living on my own, having my own place again sounded the most ideal. It also scared me at the same time, because that house was where we were supposed to bring Arabella home to, and I didn’t know if her nursery was still set up or not. Seeing that may send me into even more of a downward spiral.

“Moving into my grandparents’ house would be the smartest option. I’d have the most freedom, but I’m scared of seeing her nursery. I don’t even know if they changed it. Even thinking about walking into that room causes me to panic,” I admitted.

“Why don’t you talk it over with your parents? See if they made any changes that way you can prepare yourself before you see the house again?”

She made the most sense. That would help ease my anxiety a ton.

“Now, who’s Gentry?” she asked.

Tears welled in my eyes at the mention of him. I wasn’t sure why I chose that moment to cry, but the first tear fell and many others followed. I couldn’t stop them if I tried.

“Why does speaking of Gentry make you so emotional?”

I wanted to tell her to give me another question. I didn’t want to admit my failures and wrongdoings when it came to my reasoning for leaving.

“I hurt him when I left. I broke his heart because I thought I was releasing him from having to deal with the broken parts of me. I couldn’t stay here and face everything I’d lost. So I ran. The second I received that late acceptance to college, I left everything I knew behind because running was easier than facing my pain,” I admitted through my sobs.