Page 46 of Home Is Where You Are

I stiffened at her confession, feeling like she’d knocked the wind out of me.

“What I regret most was hurting you. I could’ve done so many things differently. But should’ves and could’ves won’t get me anywhere. Being back here hurts because I see how much life moved on without me. I see how much I’ve missed from everyone’s lives even if there were phone calls and video messages. I missed so many little moments, and I can’t get those moments back.”

She took a breath.

I opened my mouth to speak, thinking she was finished, but closed it quickly when she began speaking again.

“I feel like I don’t know anyone anymore. I feel like I’m a stranger in my own home, even though everyone’s welcomed me with open arms. Everything looks the same, but it’s so different.”

“Four years will do that,” was the only thing I could muster as a response.

My heart beat fast inside the confines of its four walls.

She mentioned everyone else.

But she didn’t mention me.

It stung more than it should’ve. I should’ve expected to be excluded. It was the way my life was until I met her family. Until I stupidly fell in love with my best friend’s little sister.

But while it hurt that she was no longer mine, those were the best moments of my life.

“I know. But most of all, I hate that I don’t know you anymore. You weren’t just my boyfriend. You were one of my best friends. And losing you, losing the right to call you or see you or just be a part of your life, hurt so much. I deserved the pain after what I did. And the longer I stayed away, the more I felt like I didn’t deserve to come back. I didn’t heal by leaving, not like I wanted to, anyway. I just pushed it all down, out of sight, out of mind, and everything came rushing back to me the moment I stepped foot off the plane in Texas. Now I’m back where I started four years ago when I left. Trying to mend the broken pieces of my shattered heart all over again. So, while I don’t regret leaving, while I don’t regret meeting Dylan and Aspen and the moments I had with them, I regret not healing right alongside you like I should have in the first place. So, I’m sorry. I know those two words are lame and you deserve more than them, but they are the only words my tired brain can function right now to say,” she said breaking down even more.

I laid down beside her and pulled her into my arms.

Tears soaked my shirt as she quietly sobbed. I tightened my hold around her, never wanting to let her go.

We might have hit a breaking point. We’d yet to talk about the other elephant in the room, but I felt a little freer than I’d felt in a long damn time.

She hiccupped and calmed herself down, taking the hand that wasn’t wound with mine and wiped the tears from her face.

Sensing she was done for the night, I started moving away from her, only to stop when she asked, “Can you lay with me until I fall asleep?”

I should have said no.

My chin met my chest, my eyes closed, and I took a few deep breaths.

I was barely holding on by a thread since our kiss outside. Lying beside her, feeling her body against mine would break me, but I didn’t listen to reason.

She slid over and turned to face the wall.

I moved in behind her, not sure if she wanted me close to her or not and laid as close to the edge of the bed as possible on my side facing her.

She slid to the center of the bed just like she used to, and I moved closer.

I wrapped my arm around her middle and pulled her against my chest, my head resting on the pillow just behind hers.

Her fingertips grazed the top of my hand in a back-and-forth motion. Goosebumps peppered my flesh from the slightest touch, my body knowing it was coming from her.

She shifted her head against the pillow to get comfortable and sighed.

“Goodnight, butterfly,” I whispered as I brushed my lips against her forehead.

“Night, cowboy,” she said with a yawn.

I withheld my laughter, but grinned at the nickname she’d called me since she saw me get on a horse for the first time.

Moments later, her breathing evened out. I waited just a beat longer, taking a deep breath, and the coconut scent from her shampoo filled my senses.