Page 70 of Home Is Where You Are

“Because you were the sweetest man this morning, and I ruined the moment with the way I worded my honesty. But I’m most sorry for leaving you to grieve alone,” I told him, taking a sip of my coffee.

“I…” he started but stopped. He shuffled his feet back and forth and then held his hand out toward the tree.

We both walked over to the tree and sat down with our legs crossed facing each other. We sat our coffees in the grass and I stared up at him.

“I miss her,” I admitted. My eyes grew glassy at my confession.

“I do too,” he said as he looked at the sky. His eyes blinked rapidly as he held back tears.

“She’d be four today,” I whispered, my throat clogged with emotion.

“I know. I can’t believe it’s been four years,” he said as the first tear fell.

“When I’m alone in my thoughts, I often think about who’d she’d be today. If she’d look more like me or you. If she’d have my stubborn streak or a heart of gold like you. If she’d have curly hair like mine. If she’d love horses just as much as we do,” I told him as I looked down and picked at the blades of grass between us.

I tried so hard to keep my emotions in check, but it was hard. I wanted to remain strong for him.

Gentry remained silent. I could feel his eyes on me. I looked up and his cheeks were now fully wet with tears.

Seeing his tearstained face, I couldn’t hold back anymore. The need to comfort him consumed me.

I sat up on my knees, and slid closer to him, before I pulled him into my arms.

“I’m so sorry, Gentry,” I said as he let his emotions come full force.

He sobbed into my shoulder as I held him.

I tried to remain strong for him, but I couldn’t withhold sobs of my own. Hearing him fully break down, I let my own tears fall.

We held each other as we grieved the loss of our beautiful little girl.

I pulled back as my knees began to ache, and Gentry uncrossed his legs, laying them on either side of mine. He pulled me to him, and settled me into his lap. I leaned into him, and rested my head on his shoulder, as he wrapped his arms around me.

“You know what hurts me the most when I think about her?” he whispered.

“What’s that?”

“Her story didn’t even get a chance to begin,” he confessed though a sob. I felt his tears hit the side of my face.

Hearing those words, my heart broke even more. Because he was right. She didn’t even get a chance at life and it wasn’t fair. Death took her before her story had a chance to be written.

“I know. It’s not fair. I miss her so much.”

“Me too, butterfly. Me too. Sometimes the only thing that gets me through the day is knowing we’ll see her again someday,” he said. His words brought a little comfort at the thought of seeing her again.

I nodded into his shoulder, as I turned slightly to wrap my arms around him. Holding him tight as we cried.

As our sobs started to ebb, I pulled back and looked up to the sky.

Just overhead, a beautiful butterfly flew and I smiled.

“Happy birthday, my beautiful Bella,” I whispered.

Gentry looked up to the sky and smiled when he saw the butterfly.

“Happy birthday, sweet girl,” he said before he looked back down at me.

As we stared into each other’s eyes, I felt like a part of me healed a little sharing this moment with Gentry. It made me wish we’d shared these moments in the past as we grieved our loss. But I couldn’t go back and change that no matter how much I wished I could. I could only make sure we continued to share them going forward.