Page 189 of Glitched Play

"Yes.”

Drawing her back in against my body, she tightens her grip around my waist. “I never knew something could hurt as bad as this did.”

“I’m sorry.”

I really am. I’ve never been hurt in a relationship other than one that I never truly knew.

"I've never lost someone I actually had… until I thought I was losing you."

She tits her bead back for a long beat, just looking at me. "What are you thinking?"

The question lands deeper than she realizes, because there is something I've never fully explained.

I sit down on the bed and pull her onto my lap. "I spent most of my life believing I ruined someone else's."

Her smile fades.

"My mom." The words come quietly.

"There are pictures… she held me… for a little while." My jaws start to tremble. I’ve tried to compartmentalize for years but with Maci, she makes me feel comfortable to share what I have never voiced out loud.

"I've seen them so many times I know every crease in the blanket they wrapped around me." I swallow. "Then everything went wrong."

"My brothers and sister grew up with memories and I grew up with a few photographs."

My throat aches.

My heart aches.

“I was…” I look down at our joined hands. "... I was the only one who walked out of that hospital.”

“I never had a mom." My throat constricts and it comes out in pieces.

She squeezes my fingers.

"Witt..." Her voice is so tender and full of empathy.

Tears slide down my cheeks. Tears I’ve never allowed anyone to see. And now that I’ve opened the dam, they just keep coming. "I know what everyone tells me."

I've heard the evidence. I understand the medical explanations. Logically, I know exactly what conclusion I'm supposed to reach. But this is the one problem in my life logic has never been able to solve.

My voice cracks. And I hate how it makes me feel like the young boy staring at the one picture of my mom and me. Me laying on her chest before she died and I lived.

"They tell me it wasn't my fault."

"But it wasn’t.”

"Logically. But logic doesn't always win."

She rubs my back with one hand and never lets go of the other.

"Every day... there's still a small part of me that thinks... if I hadn’t been born that Dad would have his wife. J.D would have her in the room when he won the Heisman trophy. Greyson would’ve had his mom to ground him from being a playboy. Noelle would’ve had Mom braiding her hair. And Parker would’ve had someone to talk to and comfort him when things got rough when he was cheated on."

She listens and it’s just what I need. Every single thought I’ve had over the years tumbles out of my mouth.

"I've spent my whole life solving problems.” My lips press together in a flat line. “Because I had to make up for the only one I couldn’t solve by bringing back Dad’s wife and my siblings’ mom."

Maci reaches up and cups my face. "You weren't the problem."