Page 139 of Carousel

It’s the song that had played at the morale booster.

“Rike,” I say. “We need to speak to Rike.”

I’m getting up. But Meg stands, too, and blocks my path.

“Slow down. You’re still coming off osimidite. The last thing you should be doing – for yourself and your Integration – is walking around the ship raving about Rhavnan folklore.”

She rises to her feet. Turns up her bedsheets.

“Get some sleep. And maybe then, when you’ve calmed down and you’re fully sober, we can try again.”

Fluidly, she moves away. Turns off the light.

The bed, its crisp sheets now peeled back, is definitely tempting.

Giving in, I get under the sheet and pull it right up to my chin, like I could drown under it. Never resurface.

The events of the day catch up to me. My last thought is of Cosmer – if he’s okay – before I let sleep engulf me.

Old Mother is here, in my mind. I can smell incense and herbs and her own scent, something ancient and somehow magical.

I call to her. She finds me.

She’s asking me where I was. She couldn’t get to me last night.

“Is it really you? I thought I was just dreaming of you.”

She smiles. Kisses me on each cheek.

“I’m so happy,” I say. “I have so much I need to tell you, and ask you⁠—”

She gestures madly. Milky eyes wide.

–Don’t close your mind off to me like that. It’s not safe.

“I was fine,” I promise. “I was just with someone.”

Who? her eyes ask.

“Cosmer,” I whisper. “He’s alive, Old Mother. He’s alive, and we’re in love.”

Her eyes widen.

–This is dangerous. Very dangerous.

I’m scoffing. “How can love be dangerous?”

–What do you even know of love, child?

Now I’m angry. I thought Old Mother, at least, who knew Cosmer so well, had been so fond of him, would have been happy for me.

I pull away from her. Look at her differently. Accusingly. “Did you know the Queen took away many of my memories?”

Her face instantly tells me she does.

It makes me recoil from her.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”