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A voice sounded behind me. “What are you doing?”
Shrieking, I pivoted on my heel and swung my fist as hard as I could.
“Ow!” Jane cried, dropping to her knees and clutching her chest. She glared up at me and wheezed, “Why did you punch me in the boob?”
Jane and Jolene were standing in my kitchen. Well, technically, Jolene had collapsed to her knees, cackling with laughter. And Jane was crumpled on the floor, hit by friendly fire. I looked toward the back garden, but the shape had disappeared.
“You startled me!” I exclaimed.
“How does ‘startled’ end with me getting punched in the boob?” she griped as I helped her to her feet. “If this is about Jed driving you, that was Andrea’s idea, not mine. Personally, I don’t really like the guy. His thoughts are all cloudy. Makes me uncomfortable.”
“You have vampire strength and speed. How could I hit you in the first place?” I countered while Jolene continued to hee-haw.
“I don’t use my vampire speed when I’m around human friends, whom I expect not to punch me in the boob. And how is superstrength supposed to make this hurt less?”
“How did you even get in here?” I demanded.
“Your front door was unlocked,” Jane said, wincing as she settled into a kitchen chair. “We came by to see how your little dip in Mama Ginger’s freaky gene pool went and to give you hell over spending twenty-four hours in a truck with your hot neighbor. Andrea would have come by, but I think she was afraid you’d be mad at her for setting you up. We knocked. We called for you, but I guess you were so busy staring out your back window that you didn’t hear us. What are you staring at, anyway?”
“I think I’m going crazy,” I groaned, pouring a cup of tea for Jolene.
“Why would you think that?” Jolene asked.
“I think I saw someone in my back garden,” I told her. “I’ve seen it before. I think it’s a Yeti or a werewolf or something.”
Jolene cleared her throat. “Yeah, that would be . . . nuts.”
“I keep seeing this weird shape outside in the yard,” I said. “It seems to be watching the house but never comes close enough for me to get a good look at it.”
“It’s probably just an animal,” Jane assured me. “We get all sorts of weird critters around here. And some animals, like deer, don’t think twice about coming close to a house. Hell, if you’re not careful, they can end up in your house. Just ask my cousin Junie.”
“It was on two legs. It looked human. Just dark and hairy.”
“OK, then.” Jolene squared her shoulders and pushed the back door open.
“No, Jolene, wait!” I hissed as she stepped onto the back porch. Jane put a hand on my shoulder and shook her head. I heard Jolene take a deep breath through her nose and hold it. She looked back at Jane and shook her head.
What in the hell was going on?
Jane turned to me. “The Kerrigans. Those people you were talking about before. They wouldn’t know to look for you here, right?”
“I don’t think so. I mean, they have more resources than we do, financially. I suppose it wouldn’t take much to track me through customs, though it wouldn’t explain how they would know I’m renting this place.”
“Well, no more jaunts out of town without vampire escort. And no jaunts into the backyard after dark. Basically, you will do no jaunting of any kind. And we’ll talk to Dick about putting some extra security lights back here.”
I groaned. “Must we?”
“Yes,” Jane insisted. “And you two are going to have a long, clarifying chat. He’s let you stew about this too long. He’s wasting precious time being afraid of freaking you out.”
I frowned. “Beg pardon?”
“The other bruised boob owes you an explanation,” Jane deadpanned.
11
If you stumble upon a family ritual involving vampires, move along. They’re too odd and twisted to get involved with safely.
—Miss Manners’ Guide to Undead Etiquette
