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“Well, it’s about time you started making stupid decisions. It was getting lonely out here on the ‘screw-up’ limb of the family tree.”
“And who told you that getting your boyfriend’s name tattooed on your ankle was a good idea? You were limited to men named Dave until you saved up enough to have it removed. Now, if all you’re going to do is mock my not-so-youthful indiscretions, I’m hanging up.”
“No, wait!” she cried. “Just tell me one thing.”
“What?”
“The last time you saw him, was he wearing ripped jeans and a muscle shirt?”
“No!” I exclaimed, before adding, “Not today . . . Did you know they call them ‘wifebeaters’ here?”
“Well, that’s off-putting.”
“Tell me about it.”
“No.” She pressed me. “You tell me about it. What’s this Jed like?”
“He’s just a nice man who lives next door.”
“And he’s good-lookin’?”
“Ridiculously so.” I sighed. “But nothing serious is going to happen, because that’s not why I’m here.”
“Right, the whole family expects you to shut yourself off from the waist down.”
“No, but I’m pretty sure Stephen would want me to,” I muttered.
“Well, that would be the only way I would survive sleeping with Stephen.”
“Shut up, Penelope.”
After several very expensive minutes’ worth of harassment from Penny, I hung up on her. But she did ask whether I would qualify Jed’s arse as “squeezable.” The woman had it coming.
Eager to shake off the images of Penny sexually harassing my neighbor, I went to the sink to start tea. There was a squarish window over the sink, with a pretty blue flower box outside overflowing with white impatiens, thanks to the work crews. I was loath to admit it, but I was afraid to look out the window into the back garden. The clouds had cleared, and even the half-moon was bright. And I was convinced that the moment I looked up, I would see a Chupacabra pressed against the window like a suction-cup Garfield doll. But damned if I didn’t accidentally look up anyway.
I shouldn’t have.
Near my brand-new arbor, I could see something moving. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. It stood on two feet and seemed human. The shape seemed thinner than last time, larger, but I was viewing it from another angle. It crept past the arbor toward the house. Gasping, I dashed toward my kitchen door and flipped the lock. I fumbled for the light switch, and the room plunged into darkness. The outlines of the trees stood in sharp relief without the interference of the kitchen light. The shape stilled, swinging its head toward the house. I backed away from the door, wondering if it was smarter to run upstairs or out the front door. Of course, this had to happen on one of my “powerless” days, so I couldn’t even work up the juice to neutralize whatever it was if it broke into the house.
A voice sounded behind me. “What are you doing?”
Shrieking, I pivoted on my heel and swung my fist as hard as I could.
“Ow!” Jane cried, dropping to her knees and clutching her chest. She glared up at me and wheezed, “Why did you punch me in the boob?”
Jane and Jolene were standing in my kitchen. Well, technically, Jolene had collapsed to her knees, cackling with laughter. And Jane was crumpled on the floor, hit by friendly fire. I looked toward the back garden, but the shape had disappeared.
“You startled me!” I exclaimed.
“How does ‘startled’ end with me getting punched in the boob?” she griped as I helped her to her feet. “If this is about Jed driving you, that was Andrea’s idea, not mine. Personally, I don’t really like the guy. His thoughts are all cloudy. Makes me uncomfortable.”
“You have vampire strength and speed. How could I hit you in the first place?” I countered while Jolene continued to hee-haw.
“I don’t use my vampire speed when I’m around human friends, whom I expect not to punch me in the boob. And how is superstrength supposed to make this hurt less?”
“How did you even get in here?” I demanded.
“Your front door was unlocked,” Jane said, wincing as she settled into a kitchen chair. “We came by to see how your little dip in Mama Ginger’s freaky gene pool went and to give you hell over spending twenty-four hours in a truck with your hot neighbor. Andrea would have come by, but I think she was afraid you’d be mad at her for setting you up. We knocked. We called for you, but I guess you were so busy staring out your back window that you didn’t hear us. What are you staring at, anyway?”
