Page 59 of Overkill

Even when I knew it wasn’t his fault, when he did nothing wrong, and it was all me. Worse, it was all him—the man who’d stolen my innocence and forced me to believe love was forbidden, and desire was a force that could not be contained or repressed. The man who’d made me believe anything less was a lesser love than what I’d had thrust upon me.

“What do you call it when a man leads you on, but can’t stand the thought of kissing you?” I asked roughly.

Even now, with his hand on my throat, his thumb gently grazing my pulse, it wasn’t enough. He was too in control of himself to truly want me.

“I am holding myself back for you.” He leaned forward, brushing his lips to my temple. “I am doing everything I can to contain myself, and you’re breaking me. Years I’ve spent trying to make myself a good guy, a guy worthy of a woman like you. One fucking word, and I will shatter into the man I don’t want to be.”

A tear slipped down my face. “A man who would want me…is a man you don’t want to be.”

My heart was empty and broken, and I did lean into his hand then. I wanted to cut off my own air, to hurt myself so I no longer felt this ache.

In my worst dreams, I watched Luke drown. But in that joy of being free, I dove in with him, falling into the depths and dying in that moment of bliss.

That way, I would not have to feel this. The burden of my future.

My life ended the first time he touched me. From that moment, there was nothing else.

I’d tried. I’d tried to build myself up away from Mourningkill, but it sucked me back in. Back here, where my future was taken from me.

“The man I want to be…” he scoffed, “wouldn’t push you into something you obviously do not need.”

His hand fell, but he didn’t move away. His forehead thudded on the wall above me, and his palms went to either side of my shoulders, caging me in. But he left enough room for me to escape.

I resented that he would let me go.

That he could let me escape…

Because that wasn’t love. Not to me. Not in my fucked up head.

“If I kiss you now, Melody, I would be changing my life as I know it.”

His words confused me. They frightened me, too. But not in the way he used to confuse and frighten me. This was…different.

“If I kiss you, I won’t be able to let you go. I’d never be able to leave you. I won’t be able to…to date you.”

“What? What does that even mean?” I wanted to whine and cry, but I didn’t. Because I didn’t want him to see the pathetic thing I was.

“If I kiss you, baby, I will drown in you.” He was as breathless as I was. “I won’t be dating you to see how this goes. I will wrap my life around you. Your burdens will become mine, and I will make it my mission to take care of you like you were my wife. I’m not playing with you, and I am too fucking old to pussyfoot around this.”

He palmed my chin, making me look at him.

“Do not ask me to kiss you unless we’re on the same page.”

“And what page is that?” I could hardly speak, afraid that taking the wrong breath would shatter the moment.

“The one that leads to a wedding certificate.”

My mouth dried.

That was fast.

“I’m not playing Melody. I put my lips on you, and that’s it. Your family becomes my family, and my family—as fucked and dysfunctional as they are—becomes yours.”

“I’m not even your…you haven’t even asked me to be…I’m not even your girlfriend—”

“I’m not sixteen, sweetheart. You’re never going to be my girlfriend. You’d be my woman, and you’d be one ring away from being mine. There is no in-between for me. Not with you. I’m jumping in with both feet, ten toes down. Do you want that?”

“I…” I looked for words but couldn’t find them.