Page 97 of 4 Corinthians

Me: Good, not exciting, but how was yours?

Uri: Boring.

Uri: I wanted to see you at the shop, but I didn’t want to bother you.

I rested my head on my arms and stared at the phone. My heart fluttered, and I smiled. I wasn’t blind to male attention; I just chose to ignore it, but I didn’t want to with Uri. The thought of him coming to the shop again wasn’t something I shied away from.

Me: You should’ve come.

Uri: I’ll keep that in mind for another time.

Uri: What are you doing right now?

I looked over my shoulder to see Judah asleep. His head was tilted back, mouth wide open, and lightly snoring. I laughed, shook my head, then turned back to the phone.

Me: I was watching a movie with Judah, but he fell asleep.

Uri: What did y’all watch?

Me: Toy Soldier, it's one of the few movies we can agree on.

Uri: Can you sneak out?

Uri: I want to see you for a second.

Uri: If not, that’s cool too.

Me: Meet me in the backyard?

Uri: I’m already here waiting.

I set the phone down, then slowly moved so that I didn’t wake Judah. I laid him down, covered him with the blanket, then grabbed my phone. After I checked the cameras and locks, I grabbed the slides I kept by the backdoor, put them on, and snuck out. I kept the curtains open so I could see Judah in case he woke up.

“Where are you?” I said, using the flashlight on my phone to look for him.

Uri stood on the other side of the fence, his eyes low. He was taller than the six-foot privacy fence.

“Hi,” I said once I was close enough.

“Hey,” he replied, then licked his lips. “You g-g-g-g-good?”

“Yeah,” I nodded and smiled. “You good?” he nodded. “You sure? Your eyes are low.” He lifted his hand and showed me a blunt. He didn’t offer it, though, and I was grateful that he remembered that I said I don’t smoke when Judah is around. The first night we hung out with my family, I’d smoked because being around him made me nervous. I needed something to help me relax, so I took a hit of Ex's blunt. It didn’t help me relax.

“I-I-I-I-I won’t keep you long,” he said, then took a pull of his blunt. “I just w-w-w-w-wanted to see your f-f-f-face.”

“Sleep well,” I said, stepping back. I put my hands in my pockets and smiled. “I’ll see you later.”

“Later,” he said, nodding. He took another pull of his blunt. I turned around, walked into the house, checked the locks again, then closed the curtains. I picked up Judah, moving him over so that I could lie down and cover us with the blanket.

“Mommy?” he called my name sleepily.

“Yeah, big man?” I said, snuggling closer to him.

“Why don’t I have a daddy?” he mumbled.

We’d never discussed Judah having a daddy. When Isaac came around, I was always with him. I told my family that we’d broken up when Judah was born, and Isaac hadn’t come around. He showed up at the hospital after Judah was born but then he disappeared. I was okay with that until about a year ago, when he showed up at my shop with Tyrell. He requested that I show up to the same park every few months and let Judah play. The weather didn’t matter; we were to go. It was the same park I played at as a kid down the street from my grandparents' house. I did it, not because I wanted to but because I knew that Robert would eventually show up if I didn’t. He stayed in the shadows as long as I did what he asked, and because I loved my son and my family, I did.

I thought that he had good male role models in his life, like Granddaddy, Exodus, Judge, and even Nine and his family. I didn’t realize that my baby noticed that he didn’t have one. I laid there, thinking of how I was supposed to answer his question. I could never tell him he was a product of rape, that his father was a cruel man. I could never willingly hurt my child with that information, but I knew that eventually he would need the truth. One day, just not today.