Page 109 of Line Change

He moves around the end of the bed while he speaks, closing some of the distance between us. I let go of the doorknob without telling him to stop.

“I’ve dated a couple of women and slept with more than a couple,” Ben says. “It was fine and it was fun, but a lot of the time it was something I did because that’s what you do when you go out.”

“Congratulations, you’ve discovered compulsory heterosexuality.”

His forehead creases. “There’s a name for it?”

He’s serious. I can practically see him preparing to go home and look it up, and if I let him, we’ll be back in the kitchen arguing about this after the playoffs.

“Continue.”

Ben comes another step closer. “Listen, I don’t like people. Not like this.”

The bedroom door stays closed at my back while the party goes on without me.

“There’s something special about you,” he says. His voice roughens, and his hands curl once at his sides. “Call me bisexual, or queer, or whatever. It feels weird, but I’ll get used to it. I just…”

He stops.

There isn’t much room left between us now. Ben could reach me without taking another step, but he doesn’t. He looks more frightened than he did when he told Bobby we’d been seeing each other.

“What?” I ask.

“I love you.”

My knees go strange. I look toward the lamp beside the bed because this is Seattle and maybe the Big One has finally hit, but the lamp isn’t moving.

Ben doesn’t laugh. He stands in front of me and waits while I try to understand how the same man who wouldn’t let me finish the word boyfriend in Miami has skipped right past it.

I wanted him to say I mattered and ask for me back. Love was too much to hope for when I couldn’t get him to admit we were fucking without checking who might hear.

He told Micah and his brother before coming here. Then he found me in front of everyone and told Bobby what we were without asking for anything first.

Ben’s eyes narrow with concern. “Oh god, please don’t have an aneurysm. We need you for the playoffs.”

“Now who’s the dick?” His joke gives me something I can answer, so I grab it. “You tell me you love me, and now you’re worried about playing?”

“I can worry about two things at once.” Ben closes the remaining distance but keeps his hands to himself. “I don’t know if this is enough for you, but it’s what I’ve got. I want to be with you. This isn’t hooking up or curiosity anymore.”

I put my palm against his chest before he can come closer. His heart is beating hard beneath my hand. Ben stops immediately, although his whole body leans into the contact.

He can take as long as he needs to find a word. What happens to us the next time being with me scares him matters more.

“Are you asking me to be your boyfriend?” I keep my hand between us. “What about the next time someone walks in on us?”

Ben wraps his fingers around my wrist and holds my palm against his chest. “You heard what I said to Bobby. If my dick is hanging out, I might freak, but that’s because I’m not an exhibitionist.”

I almost smile. Of course he’d make a practical distinction while asking me to take him back. I missed that too.

He doesn’t pull my hand away or use it to drag me closer. Ben waits until I let my fingers spread over his chest, then leans in and kisses me.

I kiss him back without thinking about it. My free hand catches his waist as his slides around the back of my neck. His mouth is warm and familiar, tasting faintly of beer.

I’d meant to make him wait for at least one more question before I let him touch me, but I’ve missed him too much to keep count. My hand slips under his shirt and finds warm skin. Ben shudders against my mouth, and the pulse beneath my other palm jumps.

He presses closer. I feel the shape of his chest through our shirts and the hard line of his thigh between mine. My body is already making plans that involve locking the door and forgetting every person outside it.

Ben makes a rough sound when I pull him closer and kisses me harder. My back meets the bedroom door, but the hand in my hair stays careful even while the rest of him crowds me against it.