Page 100 of A Wayward Movement

The only exception she’d seen was the incident at the castle. One incident, which she still didn’t know the full story of. He’d tried to explain, and she hadn’t let him. She’d told herself it matched with all the rest, but once that lie was stripped away, the weight she’d given to what she’d seen, and the assumptions she’d made, were suddenly so unjust, her tears leaked out yet again.

There was no doubt he’d made irresponsible decisions, probably many of them. The behavior of the young ladies of the court showed the kind of foolishness they’d come to expect from him. But once they’d found each other again, he hadn’t met their expectations. And it wasn’t because he was too busy flirting with her. He’d spent the week focused on his duties, doing exactly what she’d accused him of neglecting since the moment they reconnected, and taking the investigation seriously.

If she’d really believed him untrustworthy, she’d had no business letting him kiss her mere minutes ago. She was the one toying with him, not the other way around. Some part of her had known that every moment of that kiss was real, that Xavier was playing no games. But she’d been protecting herself so long, every instinct shied away from admitting she wanted it to be real. That would leave her open to losing it, like she’d lost so much else, and make it so much harder to convince herself she was content with the life she had.

But she wasn’t content. Xavier was right that her life was not only hard, but lonely. She’d isolated herself from her family, because she’d always been able to sense that she wasn’t really welcome. Tears pricked at her eyes. She’d always felt like an imposition, but she’d never dreamed just how little sense of family love or loyalty her aunt had felt for her. Every hint of affection had been false, all for show. When she’d been so warm the most recent time, it had all been because of Xavier, because of how her aunt could use their connection in her schemes.

She had Benji and Lilah, Alina reminded herself. And she would do anything for them. But Xavier had been painfully accurate when he described her as hopeless. She’d kept cheerful by focusing on today, but she avoided considering the future. Since her parents died—maybe even before that, when the future she’d dreamed of with Xavier had been shattered—she hadn’t allowed herself to expect anything good on the road ahead.

And then Xavier had burst onto her path, as captivating and desirable as he’d always been to her. He’d done everything in his power to be near her since then, and she’d chosen to focus on his flirtation instead of on his companionship, his consideration for her, his fierce determination to protect her at every turn.

She’d spent a decade trying to convince herself she wasn’t crushed by his loss. Against all expectation, he’d miraculously returned to her. And she’d thrown him away in the name of protecting herself from losing him again.

And now it was too late to make a less safe but infinitely wiser decision.

Chapter

Twenty-Three

“Your Highness!” The relief in Captain Mitchell’s voice was palpable as the other man grabbed Xavier’s shoulder. “We’ve been looking for you for half an hour! Didn’t you hear me calling?”

Xavier looked up, his vision a little hazy. He was still standing behind the crates, right where Alina had left him.

Alina had left him. Again.

“Nothing’s changed, Mitchell,” he murmured. “None of it’s real to her. I’m not real to her. I’m…”

Words failed him, and it was just as well. Better not to say aloud to a captain under his command that he was a ridiculous, substance-less fool, good for nothing but sweet-talking pretty girls and making people laugh.

He’d thought his heart was shattered when Alina turned him down at fourteen. But this…this was true agony. When she’d invited him to kiss her, when she’d spoken about yielding…he’d thought he’d won her. He’d thought she was agreeing, not just to give up her wild plan of risking her life and instead stay safely with him, but to stay with him forever. That kiss had been absolute bliss, her touch burning like fire, engulfing his senses. For the first time in ten years, he’d meant it. He’d held nothing back.

Then she’d smiled in that cheerful way, and complimented his skill in kissing. It had been meaningless flirtation to her, a temptation she was usually too sensible to give in to, but had decided she may as well enjoy since she was about to put her life on the line.

It had cut him open all over again, and this time he couldn’t comprehend the wound ever healing.

So he’d stood there, incapacitated by silent agony for what felt like a lifetime.

Apparently it had been half an hour.

“What are you talking about, Your Highness?” Captain Mitchell was concerned. “Do you mean Alina? Where is she?”

Xavier stirred. It was an excellent question. Where had she gone when she left?

“I think…I think she went home,” he said uncertainly. “We should check.”

“The other girl, Lilah, is still at the inn,” Captain Mitchell said. “I told her to wait until someone can escort her home. If it will set your mind at ease, we can accompany her and check that Alina reached home safely.”

Xavier gave a terse nod, and the two of them moved out of the alley.

“Why did you allow it, Captain?” The words were wrenched from Xavier. “Were you really so desperate to get rid of her? I know you think the old accusations you discovered about her father cast her intentions into doubt, but you’re wrong. None of that has anything to do with her. She was never implicated in any of it—she doesn’t even know about it. And the man who was implicated has been dead for eight years.”

“I wasn’t motivated by any desire to see her come to harm,” Captain Mitchell insisted, as they crossed the road toward the inn. “I still have my concerns, but I don’t believe she would be involved in harming Benji. I truly thought her idea more viable than anything else we’ve tried.”

“The cost is too high.” Xavier’s voice was an anguished croak. “I can’t allow it to proceed.”

They’d reached the inn, and the captain waited for Xavier to go ahead of him. It took only a moment to collect a pale-faced Lilah, and soon Xavier and the captain—along with half a dozen guards—were escorting her home. When they reached the dressmaker’s shop, Lilah stopped, her eyes fearful as she glanced up.

“There’s no light on,” she said.