Page 72 of Barinov

Bella’s spot.

“I can’t do this.” I stand up and walk out of the studio before the second eight-count finishes.

The moment I’m outside of Ashmoor, the cold breeze slices through the heat still clinging to my skin. I grip the iron rail beside the steps and attempt to force some air into my lungs.

Breathe, Barinov.

My hands won’t stop shaking. I fish out a cigarette, light it, and let the first drag scrape down my throat. It burns like hell, but at least it’s something I can control. The buzz dulls the shakes. A little.

“You good?” Cade asks. His voice is annoyingly calm as he steps up behind me.

I exhale smoke and don’t look at him. “No, Cade. I’m not fucking good.”

He doesn’t say anything at first. Just stands there beside me like a statue while I stare off across campus.

I take another hit. “This all just… I can’t… Fuck, I can’t do this.” I shove off the railing, pacing now. “I can’t just keep pretending everything’s fine.”

“I know,” he whispers.

“Do you?” I snap. “Because you seem pretty fucking zen for someone whose girl’s been missing for two damn weeks.”

“That’s not fair,” he bites back. “Just because I don’t lose my shit in front of everyone, doesn’t mean I’m alright.”

“Lose my shit?”

“You just stormed out in the beginning of the girl’s set.”

“What was I supposed to do?” I whip around. “Just sit there and clap while they danced like she’s not gone? Like there isn’t an empty goddamn space on that stage where she should be.”

“I just thought that—”

“I know what you thought!” I choke on a bitter laugh. “Be there for them. Be there for the family. Blah, blah, fucking blah.”

“Lex.”

“Don’t Lex me,” I growl, my voice cracking. “We need her back.” I sigh, the fight suddenly leaking out of my limbs. “Fuck, babe. I can’t breathe without her.”

“I know.” He softens. “God, I know.”

My knees threaten to give out, and I sag against him. All the hot fury in me slowly evaporates, replaced by a cold and heavy ache.

Cade catches me. He wraps his arms around my waist, burying his face in my neck. I let him hold me, just for a while. Just long enough for the darkness to creep back under my skin where it belongs.

After my chest finally stops heaving, he reaches over and gently plucks the cigarette from my hand. He tosses it to the ground and stomps it out under the toe of his shoe.

“You gotta quit that shit, babe.”

I huff a laugh. “I’ll make you a deal.”

“What’s that?”

“I’ll quit when we get her back.”

“Just know,” he says, pulling me closer. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

Chapter 18

BELLA