Page 12 of In Your Wake

“I get that, I do, but he’s leaving behind—” Spencer stops, his gaze shifting to mine, and he raises his hands. “Sorry, it’s not my place.”

I rub the back of my neck and shake off this sudden morbidity. “Fuck this. We’re supposed to be celebrating. Why don’t we sample some of our hard work?”

Spencer slaps his hands against his thighs and shoves his chair back. “Now we’re talking.”

Hunter pushes the chair back into place, and they return inside toward the taproom. I lag behind, pausing to breathe in the smell of newness. The smell of clean slates and new possibilities.

Max

“Come on, stay,” I plead, stroking Tucker’s semi-hard length through his pants, but he swiftly grips my hand and yanks it away.

“No, Maxy. We can’t.”

“Oh, we definitely can. You’re the one that won’t.” I roll off of his lap onto the couch and bring my knees up, tucking them to my chest.

We’ve been here before. The making out, the inevitable shut-down, the unsatisfied needs.

It’s like I’m a teenager all over again, stuck between wanting something so bad it hurts and knowing that things won’t move forward. Only I’m not the one getting in my way.

“You know how I feel about you.” Tucker cradles my face, caressing my cheek with his thumb. “About us and… sex.” His hazel eyes drop to his lap, and he shifts in his seat as if only now realizing he’s hard.

“I know how you claim to feel about me.” I move away from his touch, and his hand drops. “But I don’t get why you keep stopping this.”

The long breath he takes and his equally long exhale fill my ears and grate on my nerves. I hate it when he makes it seem like I’m annoying him. He runs his fingers through his brown, wavy hair. “Why are you in such a rush?”

“Who wouldn’t be?” I snap.

I’m sure I could blame this horny, bitchy side on my lack of sex, but deep down, this anger has been sitting with me since I saw Mitchell earlier today.

“This is hard for me, too. But there’s something between us, right?” Tucker searches my eyes.

I think about it, then nod.

Tucker is the polar opposite of the men who’ve left me devastated and the poor choices that came along with them. He’s the new direction my life needs.

“I figure if this is going to last, then we should take our time.” He runs his fingers through my hair.

Once I let my guard down, I see the charm in his gaze, the non-threatening one I saw when we first met that promises something healthy.

“I get it.” I stroke his smooth cheek, making him smile. “I like you and want you, but I guess there’s no sense in rushing it.” No sooner are the words out that I wonder what made me speak them. I should believe them, but also, I sort of don’t.

Tucker leans in and kisses me, but when he moves away, I run my lips along his jaw and down his neck, tickling his skin with the tip of my tongue. I hear him take a sharp inhale, but it stops there as he plants both hands on my shoulders and moves back.

“I should go,” he says.

With a huff, I fall back into the couch cushions, cross my arms, and nibble on my inner lip.

“Don’t be mad, Maxy. All in due time.” He kisses the top of my head, but there’s no warmth in it. It’s robotic, forced, withdrawn. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Kay.” I don’t bother looking up, listening while he puts his shoes on and leaves, the sound of the heavy front door closing echoing through my apartment.

Worrying my thumbnail between my teeth, I breathe out my frustration, then reach for my beer on the coffee table and chug the rest of it down.

Annoyed, I head to the bathroom and cool my warm skin with a chillingly cold shower, but it doesn’t lessen my frustration. After, I hop into bed, but don’t bother clearing off the dozens of pillows, choosing to sink into them instead like they’re a pit of quicksand stealing me away from this shitty write-off of a day.

An hour later, I’m still wrestling with expectations, desperate for sleep, when my body finally convinces my brain to shut off. But I’m all too quickly assaulted by my dreams…

Boys get erections. All the time. During tests, breakfast. I have a big brother, so I know this. But when Mitch stiffens against my backside, I hope it’s not just because I’m a warm body he’s snuggling with in this sleeping bag. I pray he wouldn’t have the same reaction if it were Jessa De Luca here with him.